YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF STAYING TRUE TO ME
Over the past week, I have once again subjected myself to some deep-rooted soul searching.
The exercise of soul-searching, more frequently than not, is caused by a nagging sensation in your mind, in your heart, in your core. It is a prime example of "I can't put my finger on it, but something is not quite right".
For myself, this feeling has been slowly building up over the past month. It is directly related to my application for employment that was submitted even before I resigned from my previous job. As I began to formulate how I would prefer to earn my income, a list of acceptable criteria was compiled. Lo and behold, while scanning through an online job site, a posting listed everything I was looking for. Believe it or not, it had the added bonus of being right here in my own home town.
I was called in for an interview. I was offered the job. A start date was set.
I was excited, initially. I knew I was incredibly fortunate to be presented with such an opportunity. I knew I should not look a gift horse in the mouth.
But ...
That nagging feeling began to germinate. Something was not quite sitting right with me.
The self-imposed arguments went back and forth: It's a foot in the door; a beginning to unknown possibilities in the industry in which I want to return. Yes, but am I truly ready to fulfill the job requirements?
These thoughts were first vocalized to a girlfriend whom I had not seen in eight years. Amongst all the other topics we laughed and chatted about, I admitted my hesitation to step into this position. I admitted that I felt less than 100% driven and focused to perform this job properly. I simply felt that I was not ready to return to an office scenario.
Goodness, it felt absolutely amazing to express these thoughts. Once again, a reminder of the power of expression. Get it out there, deal with it, and move on.
So I got it out of me while we strolled along oceanside trails and beaches. I dealt with it by admitting what I truly felt. I dealt with it by admitting what was truly the right thing for me to do for myself. I dealt with it by making a decision. Then, I moved on.
I spent so many years of my marriage covering up what I felt, not dealing with matters, and not taking a stand for my own well-being.
That was then, this is now.
With brute insight, I get to the bottom of everything as quickly as I can. As soon as a reaction is noted, then the questions instantly arise: Why did I react that way? What has provoked this reaction? What am I going to do about it?
Sometimes the answer is realized instantly, typically when the reaction is positive. I know what I like so I instantly comprehend why I feel the way I do.
Other answers take much longer to materialize, sometimes hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks. These answers involve more in-depth examination, analysis and emotional upheaval. Typically, delving deeper brings me face-to-face with significant emotions; emotions that are heavy, convoluted, intricate. Tears are never far away in such instances.
This most recent realization worked itself into a matter which, in the end, could not be ignored. Finally vocalizing my reaction brought about an instant calmness and ability to further discuss the matter. It became another perfect girlfriend scenario, complete with the Pacific Ocean in the background.
The decision was made to decline this most generous offer of employment. I did not want to feel like a caged animal. A new job is meant to be thrilling, exciting, challenging and rewarding. No one wants to begin any new adventure or pursuit dragging their heels. It was not fair to either party if I was honestly not able to give it my all. The beauty of interacting with professional and civilized individuals is that your voice is heard when words are clearly stated. I was heard, and still respected. The window of opportunity remains ajar.
This has reinforced, again, the important of staying true to yourself in your life's pursuits. With staying loyal to what matters most to me, I can breathe easily once more. The timing was not right for this particular job. Perhaps, sometime down the road, it will be. I have the satisfaction of knowing that I have made enough of an impression with this company that they are willing to entertain the possibility of future communication from me. It is truly the best of both worlds.
Now, I can focus on my dream. My passion. My ultimate attempt to create a life of personal fulfillment and financial independence.
I am going to write a book.
I will pour my heart and soul into this and, hopefully, be successful.
All I can do is try.
I will never know success unless I try; unless I go for it; unless I intently focus on achieving this goal.
Patience and Persistence is another personal motto of mine.
While staying true to myself, I will patiently and persistently plan, structure and compose my own words for the world out there. Words, that I hope, will enlighten, inspire, relate and strengthen every individual who chooses to read those words.
To write a book is the right thing for me to do.
To write a book is staying true to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment