#1: 49 And Feeling Fine

Friday, August 8, 2014

49 And Feeling Fine

This is it.  My first words on my own personal blog.  After watching the movie “Julie and Julia”, I reveled in the idea of a blog.  Writing down your thoughts, sharing your thoughts with people out there who you may never know.  There was some sort of cathartic appeal to it all.  Perhaps originally it had more to do with wanting to be a writer as my dream to write a children’s story has yet to be realized.  But the real turning point occurred three weeks ago when my almost 20-year marriage essentially ended.  

I took the brave step to ask my husband to seek the professional help of a psychiatrist.  The conversation aside, the end result was refusal on his part.  I then, subsequently, refused to join him as he turned to walk towards home.  He did not join me, and I did not join him.  And that was it.

I had, completely unknowingly, been living with mental illness for years.  It was only a couple of months ago, while my husband lay sleeping beside me, that I did a Google search on “paranoia” and my entire life, in that one instance, took on a new meaning.  It would take months of emotional and academic preparation, consulting doctors (both General Physicians and a Psychiatrist) and conversing with my children, before the actual day of confrontation.  Many meltdowns occurred.  Plenty of tears were shed.   But in the end, as I watched my husband turn and walk away from me, I knew with complete certainty that I had done the right thing for me.

I have had no second thoughts, no regrets, no doubts.  I do not fear what lies ahead.  I am strong.  I am fearless.  I am going for my dream job.  I have a new haircut, new glasses (progressive lenses which are quite fun to get used to!), a new apartment with my three amazing teenagers, and the peaceful happiness of knowing that my children and their father are talking again and wanting to always be in each others’ lives.  The only relationship that has been irrevocably altered is that between he and I.  And that’s the way it should be.  For that, I am grateful.

I can breathe again.  Enjoy the world the way that I want to enjoy the world.  I am running again.  I am in contact with so many friends who drifted off onto the sidelines over the years.  My isolation is ending and I love it!

I am 49 years old, and I feel fine.