Saturday, May 7, 2016
In the past three or four weeks I have taken giant steps forward on my pathway to recovery.
Actually, the steps have been quite earth-shattering for me:
a) For someone who has consistently continued to cloak the real reasons for the ending of her marriage in hazy terms of mental illness, a bold step has been to completely remove that term from the entire scenario.
b) I have undertaken an act of complete and utter selflessness. The enormity of which staggers me.
c) I have firmly placed the blame for the failure of my marriage right where it belongs.
d) Despite being divorced, the role of Father still exists.
e) That I am wiped out given a, b, c and d.
Okay, first to explain (a). From the moment I began discovering reasons and clinical explanations for why my husband (former husband now, thank you very much!) was interpreting, reacting, behaving the way he was in an endless cycle of repetitiveness, I put myself under the illusion that "it wasn't his fault". And, "that there was no blame". He didn't ask for his neurotransmitters to start firing the way they were firing. He did nothing to deliberately bring about this change in his personality. And for that simple reason, there was no blame for his actions. Nor any blame for me leaving him, nor for our marriage ending. It was sad, but no one's fault.
And I have steadfastly held to this rationale for more than two years. Two years of excusing my ex of his, at times, utterly appalling behaviour and, at times, absolutely horrific behaviour. Two years of excusing him from causing me harm. Let's just say that recently, the gloves came off. My gloves, that is.
Everything in the list above is intricately connected, yet each step stands firmly in its own tracks. So please excuse me for jumping around throughout my explanation.
For the past year, I have been diligently saving money from every pay cheque in order to send my children on holiday. Not just any holiday. Rather than the four of us heading off on a surfing adventure in Hawaii, I voluntarily sent my children to spend time with their grandparents. Grandparents being the parents of my former husband and father of my children.
For me, the reasons for doing this (and please note that this is the explanation for (b) above), to me, are extremely straightforward and uncomplicated. My former in-laws are extraordinary people. They have played an incredibly important and valuable role in my marriage. They have played an incredibly important role in my children's lives. The relationship and bond between my children and their grand-parents should not be affected just because I am no longer married to their son. The children are still grand-children. Grand-parents are still grand-parents. Divorce does not remove these roles nor the importance of these roles from everyone's lives.
My selfless gift to the children acknowledges how important the children are to my former in-laws, and how important my former husband's parents are to my children. I have never had any intention whatsoever to keep the children from their father's family. Never. As travel is becoming more difficult due to age, it made complete sense that the children should travel to see their grandparents. The gift wraps up Graduations, Birthdays and Christmas. It is all-inclusive and with the memories, never-ending. The children are old enough now to spend dedicated time enjoying their grand-parents on an adult level. To travel on their own and to spread their wings in this grand world of ours.
The trip also serves as a heart-felt Thank You, from me, to this particular couple. I have always felt very privileged to be part of this family. I highly respect them both. It also serves as a gesture which reinforces the fact that their grandchildren are highly accessible to them. That I have not cut anyone off from the children.
This is the selfless act that I have performed. Rather than indulging in pettiness, and being obstructive when it comes to the relationships my children have with their father's family, I have been extraordinarily generous, gracious, accommodating and conciliatory. I am not denying the role they play in my children's lives. Nor vice versa. A terribly mature outlook to be sure. The fact that I have offered this to my former in-laws I personally find staggering. That I committed my own efforts and resources to make this happen for the sheer enjoyment and fulfillment of my husband's family, I honestly find quite extraordinary. It actually takes my breath away at times when I think of it.
That after all that I have been through (terribly cliche), or rather, after all my former husband put me through, and after all the horrific treatment I suffered by his hands (and feet, and other anatomical parts), that I would even consider doing something that benefited his family is utterly astonishing. Truly. That I didn't simply turn my back on that entire side of my history (and my children's heritage) and carry on as if they no longer existed, is where the full impact of my actions lie.
My children will be home in two days. 48 hours from now I will be at the airport picking them up.
And this leads to my next revelation: That my children are utterly priceless to me and that I would do anything for them. Now, I know that every single mother out there would admit the same thing in a heartbeat. I know that. But what I have realized about my own life, while examining the past years, and not being able to fully answer and understand just why I returned to my husband and children when I ran away for a couple of days back in 2008, is that it has always been about the children.
I returned after running away in the middle of the night, not because of my husband, but because of my children. I have never been able to quantify that until just recently. For all the times that I felt utterly inept as a mother, I must say that my Mama Bear instincts are alive and well and ready to leap to my children's assistance in a millisecond. I may not have fully realized that before, although there were definite inklings over the past two years. But I certainly realize it today.
I came back because of my children. I refused to ever leave again because of my children. I put up with the hellish environment my husband produced because of my children. And I suppose that two years ago, the time had run out on that particular way of life. I suppose I no longer needed to put up with it for the sake of the children. I found it in me to admit I could not live with this anymore. That neither me nor the children needed to have this in our lives anymore. That I was now capable of walking away from him and knowing I could support the children. Yes, that's it exactly. Any time prior to July 2014 and I would have not been able at all to handle being a single mother. All that time of putting up with the punishments and the blame was served as a means to build me up, or simply wait for the right time to make the move. And I admit it all went quite smoothly and successfully. Back to the point though: It has always been about the children for me. I may not have seen that fully until just a couple of weeks ago, but I now see that that is exactly why I have done everything I have done. For the children.
Gosh, it feels really good to finally, FINALLY, get to this place of understanding. Friends have all asked me "what made you do it at that particular point in time?" The universal question of what made me see the light at long last? And I haven't had an answer for that. Until now.
And the holiday is for the children. My gift to them. Because they deserve it. Because I know how important it is. Because it was simply the right thing to do.
Once the tickets were booked, then it was discussed that their Dad should know about this trip. It is his parents, after all, that the children are going to see. After a bit of a kerfuffle, it was decided that at the very least an invitation should be extended to him to join everyone. This put me through great turmoil and great angst. The very notion of him benefiting from all my planning and saving and good intentions made me absolutely livid. There was no bloody way I wanted him to ride in on my coat-tails and maximize this opportunity when he wasn't even putting in the effort to see them here at home. Hell, he only lives an hour away and still can't see any of the children on a regular basis. I may have walked away from him, but he has chosen to walk away from his children.
In the end, he did not join them. I think much to everyone's relief! I know that the atmosphere and mood would have been completely different if he were there. Much more stressful with no natural flow. Fortunately, it all turned out as planned in the end.
But the turmoil of emotions that I went through helped to crystalize my thoughts reflected in (d) above.
As I was adamant that he was not to benefit from my logistics and my financial commitment to this holiday, and that it was ME who came up with the idea, and it was ME who saved, and it was ME who saw the children safely through airport security, and that it was ME who deliberately worded the divorce documents so that financial support would not be imposed on him, and that he has benefited from my vehicles/gas/insurance/inconvenience while being with the children only TWICE in the past 21 months, that I no longer will facilitate/encourage/do anything regarding the relationship between Father and Children. I am taking care of EVERYTHING for me and the children. I removed all responsibilities from my husband EXCEPT the responsibility of being a Father. He is still fully accountable to the children for being a father. He must make the effort to be included and involved in his children's lives. It is not the children's responsibility to involve their father, nor make arrangements to see him, nor plan to get together. That is all up to him, the father, the elder in the relationship. And if this father chooses to not be involved with his children, then he only has himself to blame. No one else is at fault. I will not be encouraging the children to invite Dad to Graduation. I will not be encouraging the children to ensure they see or contact Dad during the Christmas holidays. If he calls the children, and makes the first move, then I won't discourage it. But I am not pushing the children do to anything with regards to their father. This is not my role. This is not the children's role. This is solely the Father's role.
And with this responsibility, comes blame if he does not see it through. Blame is the thread that connects to (c) and (a). With removing mental illness from my list of excuses for his behaviour, I can now firmly and unequivocally place blame on my husband's shoulders for the destruction of our marriage, and for the destruction of our family.
Mental illness or not, his actions and his intent to harm me, cannot be entirely rooted in mental illness. Misfiring transmitters could not entirely remove his cognitive abilities to know that he was meaning to cause me harm and then actually did cause me harm. I can no longer excuse his abuse on the "suffering from mental illness" bullshit. He knew he wanted to hurt me. He then decided to hurt me. He then decided to hurt me again and again and again. No form of abuse, I'm sure, can be completely and entirely attributable to mental illness. No one looses their faculties completely. Amnesia was never an issue. Because at some level, he was fully aware of what he was doing, I can now fully blame him for deliberately harming me over and over and over again. I can now fully blame him for driving me away. I can now fully blame him for our marriage ending and for our family being destroyed.
I have never done anything to warrant the behaviour/the wrath/the punishment that he inflicted upon me. That he inflicted upon me for YEARS. I am not perfect. But no one deserves what I was subjected to. He scarred me, physically and emotionally. And he is fully responsible for that.
And oh, how I wish I could have the opportunity to tell him this to his face.
That he is fully responsible for the relationship between him and his children.
That he is fully responsible for pushing me away.
That he is fully responsible for the intentional harm he caused me.
No more mental illness. No more excuses.
Seeing Everything For What It Is.
And with all these revelations, comes exhaustion! Breaking through emotional walls is ... emotional. It is draining. It is an opportunity to see just how much of myself I have given to so many people around me. I have given to my former in-laws. I have given to my former husband. I have given, somewhat, to myself. And I have most definitely given to my children. The loves of my life. The reason for me doing everything I do.
I have two nights left in a quiet apartment before the liveliness returns. I can hardly wait.
In these next 48 hours I plan to revel in the fresh mountain air with a girlfriend for Mother's Day (tomorrow), hopefully exploring a new trail leading to a mountain lake. I will also spend some time in the kitchen revving up the food-preparations. I will also take the time to slump and take big breaths. I am tired. I am frazzled. I am running on empty and eating too many cookies!
It is time to totally step back. The holiday is done. That task is complete. My time with my former husband's family has come to a close. I have no more energy at present to put into that. I pass that torch onto the children.
I think it is now time to start thinking about my second annual pilgrimage to The Rockies this summer!
50 And Feeling Like A Tired Puppy!
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