Sunday, December 28, 2014
The Year Coming To A Close
It is Sunday morning. I sit back with my feet on the couch, legs covered with a blanket, looking out the window onto a lightly-cloudy day. It is almost 10:30 and I have the apartment to myself. Two children are at work and the third is still away at a friend’s place from the night before.
I had the most amazing telephone conversation last evening with my two longest-standing (“oldest” just does not seem like a kind word to use when describing how long a person has known another person!) girlfriends back in Toronto (or the general Toronto area). The sheer amount of laughter involved in that 60-minute Slice of Heaven was unbelievable.
And to those two fine ladies (and you know who you are!), I have to admit something: After we hung up and I saw with my oldest son watching the Brazilian Surf Contest highlights, I was blown away with the thought that I mean that much to not only one person out there, but two! I find it very difficult to comprehend that I, me, little old me, has and does have an impact on other human beings. That even after years of silence and lives simply going off on different paths, that two incredible women, thousands of miles away are happy have me (ME!) on the other end of the phone. That I am worthwhile enough to have people choose to remember me and want me in their lives.
What makes me that lucky?
When times got rough over the years, I automatically kept reminding myself that I was a good person, that I was better than what I was being accused of, that I would not be defeated, that I would survive (emotionally that is). I know I am made of steel. I know that. I know I can handle just about anything. Years of sailing most definitely taught me this. The ocean taught me this. Living with my husband taught me this.
But to have other people (beyond my family) genuinely care about me, care about me as a person, honestly boggles my mind.
What have I done to deserve that luxury?
Whatever the reason, I am so grateful.
So Thank You, Ladies. For caring, for being you, for being so outrageously lovable.
Girlfriends are the BEST.
And another example of unrestricted friendship: Christmas Eve: Me feeling out of sorts and emotional. NO need to feel that with the tree up, the place feeling Christmas-y, the kids at home laughing and socializing and being absolutely wonderful. Half day at work as closing at one o’clock. On the verge of tears. Drive straight to a girlfriend’s house, walk in their kitchen, start crying and declare “I need a hug”. Two girlfriends sitting on the couch by the Christmas tree, drinking tea, talking, divulging, crying and then laughing.
At the moment when I needed to turn to someone so to keep admitting out loud what I have felt over the years, this girlfriend was there for me. And again, the same thing occurred to boggle my mind: That someone thinks I am worth caring about. This girlfriend thinks it is time I start giving credit where credit is due: To Myself. Credit for all that I have done (past, present and future) for my children. Credit for all I have done for my marriage. Credit for all I have done for myself. Credit for all I have done for my children AND myself together, as a family of four. Credit for all that has been accomplished and changed in our four lives in these past short six months.
And I have to admit, that I did give myself credit. On Christmas Day, no less! After the presents had been opened, after the turkey had been carved, after games had been played on the living room rug next to the lit-up Christmas Tree, after great laughter and silliness and photos of mum having a nap on the floor, I looked around the room and silently said to myself: “I Did This”. I made Christmas happen. I made a GREAT Christmas happen for my children. Me. ME. I did the decorating, the baking, the cooking, the supplying of the money so to have the presents under the tree. I made the children feel loved and happy and secure so that they could continue to be comfortable and completely at ease hanging out with their mother. When one of my children can casually rest his feet on my legs while we battle it out with our new board game, I know that I have succeeded. When my three children, while sitting around the table for Christmas Dinner, begin to lovingly bicker about who gave mum the best gift, my heart simply soars.
And, as my friends persistently try to reinforce to me time and time again: Such success is all because of ME.
I have not hesitated (and still do not hesitate) to give credit to their father. There is no doubt about the incredible childhood he gave our three children. No doubt at all. He led us bravely into amazing adventures that have shaped all our personalities and given us the confidence and competence to continue striding forward with our heads held high. I know I could never have given that to the children on my own. Never.
I have always viewed my participation in the development of our family as completely secondary. Simply someone who gave birth and then basically remained in the wake of my husband. I never thought I was an integral component in the family mechanism. Whenever my husband would ask “What would I do without you”, I always jokingly responded “Shrivel up and die”! Not terribly classy, but I suppose it was a subconscious response to acknowledge everything that I did contribute. And when I think back on times of sheer frustration, yes, I most certainly did feel like I was doing it all on my own.
But the success of the family, and the success of the business, I always credited to my husband. One by one, friends near and far are letting me know that I was the fundamental glue that held it all together. That without me, there would have been no success. That the children are successful because of me being their mother; that the business was a success because it was me at the end of the telephone; that we always had a “home” wherever we were because I always made a home for us.
I still find it hard to accept those accolades. I am simply doing what I want and need to do. It is easy when you are doing what you know is natural for you to do.
I have never thought of myself as a great mother. I always felt totally inept when the kids were younger. It was when they became teenagers that I completely loved being a mother and actually felt at ease being a mother.
And to see and hear how the children interact with me, how they talk with me, how they joke with me, how they do listen to what I have to say … I guess I am a good mother!
My oldest asked his siblings if they had ever called one of their teachers “mum”? Apparently in Grade 8 while working on a math problem, and after years of asking me for help with school work while living on the boat, he automatically asked out loud in the classroom: “Is this how you do it, Mum?”. That blew me away.
It is going to take a lot of chiseling and reminding for me to fully feel comfortable acknowledging all that I have done for my children and family over these past 20 years. Slowly tipping the balance on my perspective of everything I gave.
What is slowly seeping into my consciousness these past few days, however, is an acknowledgement of a different kind. I am now admitting to myself, typically out loud while walking in the forest with no one around me, just what my life consisted of prior to July 18th. I guess it is a sign of growing strength and sense of security. To admit to oneself the darker moments, the times when the sun was definitely not shining.
Another girlfriend has advised me to find someone to talk to; to unburden and unleash these dark memories. I agree. I have established a secure home for the children and myself. I feel safe now. And I guess my mind is now preparing for the next step. Time to deal and heal. I am now ready to admit just what was happening to me. I am ready to open up and purge myself of all that I locked down over the years. Ready to go into a room with a trusted therapist and let the world revolve around me and how I feel so that I can purge myself. And “purge” is the correct word. I want to say it, face it, and then be rid of it. I want to be “allowed to feel” ‘cuz I haven’t been allowed to feel in a very, very long time.
And Christmas charity be damned. With these new revelations in my mind and free-floating in the forest air now, I can firmly admit that I have absolutely no desire to see “that person” again. I always got nervous at the notion of him appearing at work someday to see me. I always quaked at the thought of standing my ground. Now, however, after my walk two days ago in the forest and pretending to talk to a therapist and sobbing out loud with grief and pain, I know that if and when we do ever see each other gain, I will remain strong. I do not need him. I know what he did to me. I know I will not let him do that to me ever again. Call a spade a spade. That particular perspective has changed dramatically. I do not want him in my life anymore. Period. I know there were years of love and adoration. I know that. I also know there were times when love and adoration seemed to not exist. And I have no time for that. I am almost 50. I will not have anymore of my time wasted.
My life does not involve you anymore. I am not sorry for that. It is your loss, not mine. I will continue to give everything to the children. I will begin to also give everything to ME. Well, I already began to do that when I moved off the boat.
Okay, I think I am ready to get up now. It is almost noon!
Time for a lovely walk on a day off!
Happy Sunday, Everyone.
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