#17: Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy New Year!

Here it is, the last day of 2014.

And as far as I’m concerned, I am quite happy to usher this year out.  It has most certainly been a year of unbelievable change, emotional turmoil, tears, and sheer brute psychological strength.

I left my husband.

I found the strength to stand up for myself and my children.

I became the survivor I knew I always was.

I realized that I simply could not give any more to one particular person.

That despite the amazing times, amazing memories and character-building experiences we shared as a family, my time as “wife” was over.

The day the children and I moved off the boat (July 18th), I began to hold my head higher.  I was, once again, taking control of my life and not hesitating one iota at that challenge.  

I did everything I possibly could do.

Oh sure, naysayers could judge me and accuse me of “abandoning” a person in need.  I have no time for such ignorant perspectives.

I  have no time for judgement.

I have been judged by the man I loved for 20 years.  No more.  No more judgement from anyone.

I alone reserve the right to pass judgement on myself.

And I think I have done pretty damn good, if I say so myself … again.

The four of us have come a long way in 5 ½ months:  New home; new job; new university career for my oldest; new home-life for my younger children; new friendships with old friends.

And I think I have taken steps on every possible front trying to gather together family possessions that have gone astray over the years.  I have written a letter; put the word out locally that I want something back from a specific someone in the community; found a replacement for another item lost.  Three different tangents.  One success so far.  We will see what 2015 brings with the other two.

And just recently I have been able to admit/vocalize/confess to myself just what I have been experiencing all these years (refer to previous posts, please!).  To feel secure enough in my own mind to even approach this topic is a huge step forward in my self-confidence.  That I feel safe and strong enough to begin to admit to everything makes me realize that my inner strength has established itself once again.  As a friend said to me, enough time and distance has now occurred to make me ready to face these things.  I agree.  And yesterday an appointment was made with a highly recommended therapist so to begin peeling away those layers; to help me through all this now that I am ready to work through it.

I have solidified my perspective on my husband.  I have no fear in vocalizing it now.  I am ready to process it and “feel” all those emotions I was not able to feel throughout the years.

There is no going back.

My life involves me, my children and my friends now.

It no longer involves the man that I married in 1994.

I have no guilt, no grief, no doubts, no regrets.

I simply want to “feel” what has long been buried and locked away.  Time for me to heal.

So Long, 2014.  I happily close the door on you.

Bring on 2015!

Happy New Year to all my friends, near and far.  Those amazing women who have remained in the background of my life all these years.

I am glad to have you all in the foreground of my life now.

And with a mother’s glowing heart, Thank You to my children.  I have put you through a lot this year.  Each of you has met the challenge with great maturity and courage.  You never wavered from my side.  Even when I was in tears and could barely hang on, you all were there for me with hugs and words of reassurance and encouragement and love.  I love you all dearly.  You each are amazing people.

I will never stop doing everything I possibly can do for you three.

Your mother will never leave you.

Here to Us in 2015.