Sunday, October 19, 2014
Coming To Terms
I have re-discovered a great place to sit and write. The Quest University Library. It has the key features I look for in a library: Big, spacious tables at which to work; internet cables at the tables; plenty of natural light / expansive windows; and best of all, stunning views. I now sit at one of those tables, looking out of the window across the Squamish Valley to what is known to me as “Unknown Valley”. Yellow-hued deciduous trees rise up the mountainsides, stormy-looking clouds steadily float northward, and after a good chunk of time busily living life I now want to sit and write.
(The Quest cafeteria also has amazing views but I just couldn’t find an electrical outlet near a table for my laptop. Next time.)
I first took myself for a lovely walk this morning through the recently logged area behind the University. I also went for a good afternoon hike/walk through the forest with a girlfriend yesterday. After feeling a bit “outside deprived” last weekend, I made sure I gave myself a good daily quota of fresh air, exercise and Squamish appreciation this weekend. Aside: A Bald Eagle just gracefully flew past, its white head and tail seemingly glowing against the dark backdrop of the clouds. Wonderful. I wonder how the salmon are doing in the rivers.
So much has been floating around in my mind lately.
Most recently, my sense of incompetence at work (not to mention the dream last night where my boss gave me two weeks notice!!). I have made a major error which is requiring my boss to spend time attempting to fix it or at least make it happen. I worry I won’t “get” all that I need to know to succeed. I worry that my underlying sense of, how do I say this, cynicism or lack of belief, towards what I am selling will hold me back from completely immersing myself in my responsibilities. Is this really what I should be doing?
The money potential is there; enough people have told me this, including my boss. THose with whom I have shared my mistake are extremely lenient and supportive (including my eldest son): I haven’t been in the job for long; I haven’t sold this type of product before; everything is new; don’t be so hard on yourself.
To hear this from one of my children almost brought me to tears. Even thinking about it makes me want to cry.
It is these such unexpected signs of love and support that are totally mind-blowing when they appear.
To think that at least one person out there feels so much compassion for another (i.e. me!), is staggering. Just when I begin to reel with inadequacy, loneliness, desperation for the future, I receive an incredible burst of moral support and understanding and gratitude for all that I am tending to.
And yes, desperation is rearing its ugly head. Not all the time, but once in awhile I can’t help but wonder: Can I Do All This That I Have To Do? Work, make money, cook, clean, attend soccer games, shuttle to practices, laundry, iron, make bread, eat properly, sleep properly, exercise, get fresh air, recreate, have time to myself to process all that I am feeling. What else? I am sure I have left dozens of things off that listing. And then I simply shake my head and tell myself: You are NOT the first woman in the world who has had to step up to the plate as the major bread-winner for her family. And my children are old enough to be self sufficient. For heaven’s sake, one is at University! In the general scheme of single-motherhood, I think I have it pretty easy.
The next realization I came to earlier today during my walk: I have an “Ex” now. There is no doubt in my mind that my marriage is over. I do not want to go back to that situation. No. I fell utterly estranged from any sense of love for my husband. I know that I did, for many, many years love him to bits. Looking at a picture last night of him and our first born together, and seeing the depth of devotion in his eyes as he looked at me behind the camera, there is also no doubt that he loved me too. But I look at other pictures of him, taken throughout the years, and I now see a stranger. I see a man who I have difficulty reflecting on the 20+ years we spent together. I told a girlfriend that for me to reconcile how I feel, is to think of him as deceased. That way I can talk about him openly with the kids and say good things about him and smile when I share the story. No one can say anything bad about someone who has passed away. Although, I still expet to see him sitting in my office sooner or later when I walk into work!
And even though I know there is no one to blame for my marriage ending, sometimes I do feel angry and resentful and pissed off. I suppose that is natural. The symptoms of mental illness that, I suppose, began to reflect in his personality, are what my anger should really be directed to. There are memories, however, that regardless of blameless symptoms, he had a direct hand in fulfilling. And I don’t mean all the incredibly wonderful, phenomenal things he directly created for myself and the children. I mean the dark things. The memories of significantly less-than-perfect scenarios where I found myself in the weaker position, the target. I still to this day, have never divulged to anyone all that I was subjected to And I don’t know if I ever really will. I made a promise to myself to never utter any word about specifics. But I am beginning to feel that I must find someone with whom I can open this can of worms. Just to let it all out; to express how I felt and how I feel about those situations, and then move on, finally, once and for all. I still have to hold it in though until that right person comes along.
In the meantime, I have discovered a woman out there with whom, I think, a small bit of common ground is shared. Silken Laumann. I can’t remember now how I learned about her new book, but I am currently reading a copy from the library. I also started googling and found a clip of her interview on a morning talk show in Toronto. The interviewers had no clue whatsoever of the impact of living with mental illness. No understanding at all. And I could see by thelook in her eye that she knew it too. Anyone who has not lived with, or gained knowledge and insight about, mental illness will never understand nor appreciate how life really is. The inane questions of “how did you put up with it for so long?”, or “but you still loved him/her?”. Such ignorant questions (and through no fault of the questioner) are exasperating to the person who has to answer.
Anyway, I would like to connect, somehow, with Silken Laumann. From what I gather, she has lived with mental illness in her family (not her husband), and her children are her rocks. I can completely relate to that.
My next task after posting this session is to draft a letter to her. I have the book next to me at the moment. If all else fails, her publicist perhaps may be the initial recipient. The kids are attending We Day in Vancouver later this week and Silken is the guest speaker. I am so jealous! Oh well, I would rather interact with her, if possible, on a more personal level than in a crowd of 20,000 high school students!
In addition to all the above, this is what I have discovered about myself this past week:
- That each weekend I need to get into some sort of elevation so that I can look out on a great expansive view. As I wrote in my first post, in the mountains is where I feel comfortable. I enjoyed a few moments yesterday during our hike to enjoy a view farther up the Squamish Valley. Today, I am reveling with a much longer time spent taking in this view. I want see space. I want to be in a spacious area (was going to write “I want to be in space”, but that might be interpreted as “outer space”!).
2. That I need to exercise more during the week. Even with a 4-day work week following the Thanksgiving long weekend, I felt sluggish and out of sorts and my back was really sore by Friday. I need to get to the machines at the Leisure Centre when the kids are at soccer practice. That will help with my flabby tummy crisis as well.
3. That I have to stop WASTING time playing games on the iPad! I finally admitted how much Time and Brain Capacity I have been wasting. I will only indulge in such a frivolous activity when it is absolutely necessary. I have books to read, cook books to scan and a blog to write! I picture all these inspirational ladies out there who probably do not waste their time on silly video games. I shall not either.
4. That I alone am responsible for ensuring that I enjoy my life So, as I did before I up-ended my life, I will find every day as many things as possible that make me maximize every waking moment. It is the usual “life is too short” thing and “take time to smell the roses”: Live life; enjoy life; and make the most of life. Be disciplined about what makes me happy or what could make me happy and then, go after it. Which now leads to Number 5…
5. I think I ultimately want to find a job again that involves the Environmental / Conservation / World Ethics spheres. This will take time to get myself involved in that sector again. But, bit by bit, I can succeed in this again. Re-connecting with those who are deeply involved can only help. Letting it be known that I am out there again. Getting involved so that others learn about me. There is a talk / presentation this week for the Great Bear Forest. I think I should make it a priority to be there. Memories of my volunteer time with Northwest Wildlife and Tatshenshini Wild, and all that came from those endeavours spurs me on. This is where my heart truly lies. This is where I want to really exert my unlimited enthusiasm. This is who I really am. Funny how it takes some time to reach this realization!
6. That even though I do not really have time for romance, I can picture myself with another man. I want a man who, when he holds me in his arms (I say “holds”, not “hugs”; there is a difference), makes me feel positively/absolutely/unconditionally SAFE. Sex is not a big driving force for me right now. It isn’t any force at all! The one thing I truly desire is to have a pair of arms encircle me with safety. That I can be with someone who, unintentionally or intentionally, will NOT hurt me. That is what I need in a man. Patience and security. And a nice smile and manly physique will do nicely too, I suppose.
7. That I KNOW my children are grateful and appreciative of everything I do for them and myself. Even is the dishes are not done, or the beds are not made, all I need is to hear how they say “Thanks, Mum” when dinner is cooked. That melts my heart and makes me feel incredible.
And I think that pretty much sums it up.
Still 49 And Feeling Fine!
Time to return home (it is approaching 2 o’clock), and make some bread, cook some chicken, get my domestic paperwork up to date and hang some pictures. The apartment will be empty as there is an away soccer game and a regularly-scheduled Sunday shift at the grocery store. I will have some time to write my letter to Ms. Laumann!
Happy Sunday, everyone.
Make it a good one.
No comments:
Post a Comment