Sunday, June 21, 2015
The Evolution of Me
The First Day of Summer.
I sit at an outside table at the Quest University cafeteria, looking out upon the magnificent Tantalus Range which serves as the western perimeter of the Squamish Valley. I hear a White-Crowned Sparrow most distinctly above the other bird calls floating about in the air. We have a blue sky today, a gentle breeze (the strong daily in-flow wind has not yet completely set it), the air is fresh and I am primed for writing.
All my children are working today, on a Sunday, so I lay in bed for a bit, called my father to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, and then took myself to the gym.
My daughter and I spent Summer Solstice Eve working our way through a Yoga session (my first Yoga class ever!) on top of the mountain at the Sea To Sky Gondola. A spectacular setting to be sure. 7:45pm to 8:45pm, and we watched the sun sink behind the mountains to say farewell to Spring and hello to Summer. It was a lovely way to spend a Saturday evening.
But honestly, I’m not sold on the whole Yoga thing. Yes, I do enjoy stretching and feeling my muscles reach out beyond their usual parameters. I do also admit that I like a good sweat; I like to dance; I like to clap and hop and bop and smile and move about the place. I was an aerobics enthusiast from the start! And perhaps it is simply because I don’t know the moves, the stances, the positions and how to move swiftly from one position to the next while figuring out the breathing in between. I am a novice, that’s true. And given my entirely new direction in life, I won’t write it off completely. At the gym just now, I did 30 minutes of cardio then went into the studio with a balance ball, two 5-pound weights and a mat, and did my own thing. I like working my muscles.
Now I sit on the cafeteria balcony, shaded from the hot noonday sun, snacking on raspberry yoghurt and snapping pictures of the very tame White-Crowned Sparrow that just hopped atop my water bottle to say “Hello!”. Perfect.
The big thing I’ve noticed today is that after gaining a few pounds over the winter, I’m starting to see a bit of a change in the right direction. I still have some trimming-down to do, but at least I can see some progress. Keeping the running / hiking up along with the gym visits will make a difference. I’m not quite ready for a bathing suit which is totally hilarious given that I lived in small bikinis for years while sailing! Not quite the Amazon I used to be. And with hanging out at a lake when I’m back east in August, not to mention hanging out at lakes here in Squamish, I am definitely being provided with incentives. I don’t even own a bathing suit at the moment. I threw the last two bikinis away that I brought with me last summer. Time for something new.
Life continues to evolve: I have 9 days left of my bankruptcy. Hard to believe that nine months have passed so quickly. The kids are amazed that it is almost wrapped up. I have been investigating vehicle options. My ‘93 Honda Accord is needing fixing, regularly, and my patience is running thin. I can get a half-decent interest rate for a new vehicle which will help me re-establish myself in the world of credit. It’s quite exciting thinking of a new vehicle. I have picked the model (thank goodness I work at a Jeep dealership!), but my first choice in colour is not available within a 500km radius. Bummer. I wanted white. For the features I want, and the price I want, my colour choices are “Deep Cherry Red” or “Granite Crystal Metallic”. The red isn’t quite the fire-engine red that I love, it is a deeper shade hedging towards the maroon. The granite is obviously more grey with some hints of blue as well, with the “metallic” offering a sparking effect. If I can’t have white, then what to choose? My daughter thinks red is the better choice of the two. I will have to see what my sons think!
As I told someone recently, who enquired as to why I would ask my children about the colour of MY car, I replied that I haven’t shut them out of the major life decisions I’ve made these past 18 months, so why would I now shut them out of the simple decisions? Fair enough, was the response.
I continue to include my children in pretty much every decision that needs to be made. I don’t hide anything from them, at least I don’t think I do. Take my recent foray into my research project on Divorce. I have chatted with each of them and stated that I am starting to look into divorce. They all seem to understand. With us all leaving last year, I suppose it was automatically assumed that our family was permanently changing anyway. Divorce is just the next logical step in the evolution of, what shall we call this? My marriage? Our family?
It struck me on Friday evening, as I was jogging through the forest in a lovely gentle rain (yes, we actually had some rain!), and thinking about how to work the eventual conversation with my husband, that I am the one that actually has to say the words: “I want a divorce”. The classic line from movies. To use words such as “I’ve been thinking about what our next step is”, or some other such similarly-worded phrase, seems absolutely ridiculous and wishy-washy. Since bringing all these changes about in my life, I have completely evolved into a straight-shooter when it comes to saying what I think. No more hiding behind lies. No more suppression of my thoughts and emotions and reactions. So to remain as that straight-shooter, especially when communicating with my husband, means that those four words are the words that need to be used.
I want a divorce. I “would like” a divorce? No, “I want a divorce” is the phrase to be used.
Because it is what I want. It’s not wishy-washy. It clearly states exactly what I’m thinking. “I would like” implies that he has the final say or decision-making power in this. And he does not. I do.
The question really is: Will he cooperate and work with me on this to easily prepare and sign the documents? Or, will he say “if you want it, you take care of it”?
I’m certain that the latter will be the case. I am the one who left. I want the divorce. I will be the one who will have to take care of it. I know this man. I know how he will react. And I am prepared for either stance he may take. If he wants to cooperate: Fantastic! If he wants me to do it all and he’ll have nothing to do with the process, then so be it. We have been separated for almost one year now (amazing, I know), which is one of the three different grounds available for filing for a no-fault divorce. Where the waters may get a little trickier is determining the matter of child support.
It is the legal right of children to be supported by BOTH parents and have them supply the necessities of life. Even my acknowledgement of taking care of everything for the children on my own will not hold. I do not have the legal right to waive my children’s rights to these necessities of life. Nor do I have the right to refuse child support from my husband.
The real issue is that he is most likely NOT going to pay anything. Even if the courts impose a monthly financial amount (that’s assuming he is earning money, which I really don’t think he is), and doesn’t pay, I am not going to go after him in court to pay up. I can totally see this scenario unfolding. So if I can get in front of a judge, explain the situation and its various components and intricacies, say that the likelihood of payment, and the likelihood of follow-up, are both zilch, then maybe we can do away with all this rigamarole and simply grant me the divorce so that I can get out.
I have taken care of everything for years, both while living with and without my husband. It is entirely realistic to predict that it will be ME that will continue to take care of everything.
I made the first attempt to communicate with my husband. Two days ago, after chatting with my children, I asked for his number so I could text a message. I asked if he would like to meet for a cup of tea. I haven’t heard anything back yet. I’m sure it will take some time for him to receive it, think about it, and then possibly respond. I am assuming that he will eventually respond. I picture him asking the question: “So, why did you leave?”. I’m prepared for that question. And I’m fully prepared to answer it.
I can, without doubt, look him in the eyes and tell him exactly why I left. No problem. And anger won’t enter into the conversation, or at least it won’t on my part. Sure, there are all sorts of past events and circumstances and behaviours and reactions that I could get angry about. But what’s the point now? I’ve changed everything. And I don’t want to waste my time and effort on feeling negative emotions.
I can maturely, civilly, and honestly tell him exactly why I left. And it won’t take too many words. I don’t know if he’ll understand and fully comprehend my answer, but he will be told the reason.
I suspect he’ll condone to meet me, but will give it a time limit. Such as he will have some sort of commitment to meet with another person. Ha, this is all so predictable. I should not get too far ahead of myself though. He has not yet replied to my text!
The gist of this is that I am ready to have this conversation with him now. It has taken a year of evolving: a year of letting emotions rise to the surface at their own speed; a year of securing a stable home environment for my children; a year of identifying who I am and what makes me happy; a year of re-igniting friendships all over the map; a year of celebrating ME.
The tears are less frequent nowadays, but I have no doubt that divorce proceedings, even with a Do-It-Yourself arrangement, will be emotionally challenging at times. How could it not?
The Squamish Valley is in its afternoon splendour. The white-crowned sparrow continues to sing, the tree swallows continue to swoop around chasing insect, I have the cafeteria deck to myself once again. A lovely tranquil Sunday afternoon.
I will be preparing an old-fashioned Sunday Roast Beef dinner for the four of us tonight. The boys are looking forward to a good hearty meal. I will even bake something for dessert!
Happy Summer, everyone.
Happy Father’s Day, fathers.
The air is so lovely and fresh and clean: Just like me and my life.
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