#28: Enjoyment of Life

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Enjoyment of Life

Today was a real mixed bag of happenings.

Instead of going for a run this morning, I hung out at home enjoying the slower pace of a Saturday morning.  I knew in advance that I would be required to show up at work for a couple of hours, so I gave myself permission to take it easy.  I played around with my newly hung curtains while sipping my morning tea!

A couple of weeks ago I bought some curtain rods and curtains to hang over the living room window, the dining room sliding door, and the closet in my room.  Last evening, a girlfriend and her handy-dandy husband arrived and greatly assisted with the decorating tasks.  Much Gracias Amiga y Amigo.

I then got myself showered, dressed and out the door to check out a garage sale, do some sorely-needed grocery shopping, (Chilli con carne for the weekend menu), get some gas, go to the bank, drop off the groceries at home and then head off to the Dealership.  Two hours later, I was back on the road heading to the recycling centre, the apartment to change (and chomp down a peanut butter and honey sandwich), and then to my girlfriend’s driveway to pick her up so to go for a hike on the trails.

It was about three o’clock by the time we made it to the parking lot and began our lovely, lovely stroll through the woods with the late afternoon sun streaming through the forest at a 45-degree angle.

Absolutely gorgeous.  Green.  Vibrant.  Fresh looking.  Brilliant.

Perfection.

And as all walks/hikes/strolls go with a girlfriend(s), talk turns to emotions / struggles / memories.  I divulged even more details today.  And the surprising thing is how completely and utterly detached I feel from the actual events.  I hear myself telling the tale, but it almost feels as if I am recapping the events in a movie.  I find it difficult to believe that I am talking about myself.

And trying to describe how I was feeling at the time, when in the midst of it all … my mind draws a blank.  I have no idea how to describe how I felt.  Did I feel numb?  Not really, ‘cuz I recognized the intensity of the moment.  Did I feel scared?  No.

How I felt throughout everything over the years really was “I will not let this defeat me”.  I guess it stems from realizing that I knew, for myself, that I most definitely was not the cause for all my husband’s angst.  That I knew I was not responsible for that which I was being accused.  And knowing that truth (with the exceptions when I knew I was being less-than-perfect or displaying poor judgement), and holding onto that truth, was what kept me from giving in to fear or numbness or whatever.  I simply was not going to give in.  Not an option.  Ever.

Sure, I took it.  But, I think I took it knowing inside me that it wasn’t true.  That all the anger and frustration directed at me was not really based on anything that I did.  That I was mostly innocent of what I was guiltily being accused.  I say “mostly” because I am not perfect.  As in any relationship, there were certainly things that I did that legitimately annoyed / disappointed / angered my husband.  That stuff happens.

Now, “why” I took it, that’s a whole other element to dissect.

But now that my life no longer contains this anger, this “take” on life (or more accurately, “his” anger and “his” take on life), I am so completely at ease in the world.

I can see the world through MY eyes now.

I can enjoy the world in the way that I want to enjoy it.

I can do the things that I want to do.

I can behave how I want, whenever I want, because I can now be ME.

I can be ME every second of the day!

I can see beauty in the world wherever I go.  Beauty is everywhere.  In the plants, in the sun, in the mountains, in the people, in my friends, in my children.

I started thinking about various people out there, in general terms that is, not anyone specifically.  And what those people do with their lives, and how they live their lives.  The motivation, the adventure, the pushing of boundaries, the “living the fast-paced, high life”.

And I questioned myself how am I going to generate that kind of life for myself?  How will I go about putting myself out there to experience and capture adventure?

Then I realized that I am so very content enjoying life the way I want to enjoy life, rather than trying to enjoy life based on someone else’s way of enjoying life.  I am happy to stroll through the forests with a friend rather than hang out at a restaurant.  I am content being home on a Saturday night with my kids rather than force a social situation somewhere.  I am happy living in a small town where I can safely move about in that same town in which I have lived for 20 years.  I don’t need a fast-paced life.  I’ve had that.  I am very content to live the life I want now.  Yes, it may appear boring to some.  Yes, it may appear that I am on a treadmill with no major excitement.  To that, I say “Bah”.

I am so content to revel in having friends again.  I am so content to be able to laugh uncontrollably.  I am so content to interact with the rest of the human race in the way that I wish to interact.  I am so content to relate and converse with others and not have to worry about how someone else will perceive / interpret everything I do.

These are my greatest pleasures right now.

I am happy with the simple things.

I am happy building a cozy home for us in our apartment.

I am happy getting out into the forest and trails whenever I can.

I am happy being able to have a good dinner prepared for my children.

I am Enjoying Life.

Hope you are, too.