Saturday, May 23, 2015
50 And Still Feeling Fine
I am now 50 years old.
The title/handle/name of my blog is “49 And Feeling Fine”. The first of those four words is no longer accurate, but the other three most certainly are.
“50” And Feeling Fine. Hmmmmm.
“50 and Still Feeling Fine”. Yes, that’s it.
It is Saturday evening and I have the place to myself. Once again, all three children are out enjoying teenage social life. It makes me smile broadly knowing all three are out and about, finally able to be typical teenagers. So with the place to myself, I sit with legs up on the couch, curtains opened, looking out onto the lovely green-leaved trees growing outside my living room window, Songza set on Classic Jazz, a teacup of Bailey’s and a teapot of roibos tea. I now have time to myself to unwind and be in my own space (now that the kitchen is finally clean!).
It has been quite a day for me. This morning, I was awake at 5:45am (30 minutes earlier than the alarm), and enjoyed lying in bed before getting up and readying myself for my first 15km trail race. I have not been diligent whatsoever with training. Slowly, bit by bit I have built up my endurance which gave me some confidence. I even questioned whether I should downgrade to the 8km race but held strong in the end.
The race, Loop The Lakes, was set in Alice Lake Provincial Park which boasts 4 lakes connected by lovely forest trails. The first part of the course was winding along the trails past each of the lakes. Then the course expanded into the plethora of trails beyond the park boundaries, slightly more gnarly trails that the mountain bikers use. I set my own pace right from the start which meant that I was at the back of the pack! No worries. I then walked up most of the hills, saving my energy for the flats and downhills. I did walk one major section: the section called “Entrails”! My boys mountain bike on this trail and I can certainly see why it is named what it is named: It is narrow, with roots and stones embedded in the trail, winding back and forth all over the place. I was laughing while picturing the boys biking along. I now have some perspective on their descriptions.
I completed the race, and yes, I did start to lose energy in the final 3km or so. But I made it across the finish line trotting along. My final time (as now posted on the race website) was a resounding 2 hours and 32 minutes. I was dead last for the 15km runners!!! But, I don’t care. I did it!
The shocking thing was seeing my age of “50” listed after my name!! OMG...I’m FIFTY!!
I’ve been 50 for six whole days now.
And it has been a very interesting six days. About three days before my birthday, emotion just welled up and I was in tears before I knew it. An emergency telephone call to a girlfriend in Calgary quickly brought the truth to the surface: This was supposed to be a monumental event as I had told my husband that I wanted to be in Paris for my 50th. I doubt if it ever would have happened but still, that’s what I was wishing. And then as we kept talking, more truth came out: Bloody Hell, after all I’ve done this past year, and longer, I want someone to take care of ME goddammit. Especially on my 50th. And today, while running, I also realized that I really wanted those close to me to make a big fuss, to recognize ME and all that I have done on my BIRTHDAY of all days.
Girlfriends and family from afar were fantastic with telephone messages, cards, e-mails and Facebook messages. Priceless and incredibly gratifying. And I was well pampered at work: Balloons, new plants for my office, pizza for everyone … I definitely felt appreciated there.
But honestly, I’m sick and tired of being disappointed on my birthday. For year after year on each birthday I kept hoping that I would be treated the way I wanted to be treated. To do the things that would make ME happy. But, year after year, I eventually learned to simply see it as any other day so to avoid disappointment. To admit to myself, in advance, that nothing special was going to happen.
This year, of all years, and after everything I’ve done (sorry if it sounds like a broken record, but I HAVE done / achieved a hell of a lot in these past 12 months), I really, really wanted to get some recognition and some sense of it being a grand event. That those closest to me would put the effort into making it a special day for me. A way to say “Thank You”. And I guess that onus was to fall on my three children.
To be fair, two of the kids worked that day with 8-hour shifts each, starting at 8am. And I did have a lovely hike in the alpine with my son who was not working. And, I did get a very cuddly teddy bear which now sits on my bed. But, I had to make my own cake. I had to drop the hints a bit. It sounds terribly ungrateful and downright rude, but I WANTED MORE!!!!
We did have a lovely dinner at the home of friends that night, and I can now keep my toe-nails shining bright red throughout the summer because of her thoughtfulness.
But, I really thought my kids would pull something out of the hat for me. Work together as a three-some to do something for their mother. I should not whine. I should not moan. I should not come across as a spoiled, petulant child. I know they love me. When I came home from work the day I called Calgary in tears, and told them about the conversation, one of my kids gets up off the couch, says “Oh Mum” in a completely sympathetic tone and gives me a hug. How can I possibly complain when I receive such amazing support like that?
But as Calgary told me, perhaps 51 will be the big celebration. And the icing on the cake, or telephone conversation, is that I am now flying out to Calgary in two weeks to spend the weekend with said Calgary girlfriend!!!!!!! I have been wanting to spend some more time with this girlfriend, and we have been going back and forth with time schedules and budget agendas. The opportunity arose, and with using up some old WestJet dollars, I’m going to spend a Girls’ Weekend in Calgary. Two nights to be girls; to chat, to laugh, to no doubt cry at some point, and to laugh again. I can hardly wait. So that is really an amazing birthday gift after all. And the trip to Toronto in August is getting closer and closer. 10 girlfriends in 10 days! What do I really have to complain about? Absolutely nothing. So, enough of that already.
And I have been tossing back and forth when / if to try to connect with my husband. I feel it is my responsibility to speak to him about our financial situation rather than unfairly having other members of the family attempt it (i.e. advise him to file for bankruptcy, as I did). I have written a letter to him, a heartfelt letter; I have copied all our digital photos onto a hard drive for him. These two items should be given to him.
I continue to wrestle with the whole notion that shouldn’t I at least attempt to actually speak to him before I start looking into matters of marriage dissolution? (I find it very difficult to use the word “divorce”). I was going to try to do this over the weekend but I had to go into work today once I got showered after the race, and now I’ll be quite happy hanging out at home tomorrow playing with my plants and cooking a good Sunday dinner for us all.
I have no idea if I’ll even be able to cross paths with him. I could always text him (getting his number from the kids) to see if he would agree to meet. I have to say certain things to him; say certain things out loud to him. I more than expect his responses / rebuttals to be focused on how I have caused everything, and possibly even be cutting and nasty. I can steel myself against that because it would just be so typical anyway for him to say such things. I feel, however, that I really must try to achieve this. I simply cannot let time just float by and figure out what to do about our marriage without having communicated with him at all. We were in the marriage together. It should not end in silence. It might end in tears but it should not end in silence.
Big thoughts, big emotions this past week.
A Facebook message from a high school friend who has yet to turn 50 and is still 49, asked “How does it feel to be 50?”. Funnily enough, it does feel kind of different. I was trying to describe it to my son as we hiked together. I’m still not quite sure how to describe it. I feel as if there is a different level of, not necessarily maturity, but perhaps personal acceptance of who I am, and how I want to be in the world. I suppose it might be that while in the 40’s, one is still trying to carve their own personal niche. With turning 50, you feel as if that niche has now been carved, and you can relax and truly enjoy being you. I personally feel as if I missed out on my 40’s, with having to deal with everything I had to deal with in our bubble of a marriage. I can now barge ahead on my own two feet without delay or problem. But I was supposed to be doing that with my husband by my side. I was supposed to be growing more personally secure and wise and venturing out of my “mother” shell in my 40’s with the full support and encouragement of my husband. That never happened. Yes, what mattered to me and what I valued certainly did become more and more entrenched deep inside me as I strove to simply get through each day, but I never “blossomed” in my 40’s as a result of an encouraging marriage. I blossomed in different ways, completely separate from my husband. And now I can carry on with what I’ve learned about myself; but it is carrying on by myself, without my husband.
This probably makes no sense, but it does to me. It truly is amazing how writing can help clarify one’s thoughts and emotions.
Thank you for reading!
That’s all
50 And Still Feeling Fine.
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