#30: St. Patrick's Day

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

St. Patrick’s Day

Two thoughts while running through the forest after work yesterday:

1. I am now experiencing yet another kind of freedom.  Freedom to feel what I feel, when I feel it.  Freedom to express what I want to express, when I want to express it.  Freedom to see the world the way that I see it.  Freedom to laugh whenever I want to laugh.  Freedom to go wherever I want, whenever I want.  Freedom to decide what is best for me, and then pursue it.  Freedom to get myself wherever I want to get to.  FREEDOM TO BE MYSELF, COMPLETELY, ALL THE TIME.

All this struck me while I stopped to gaze through a clearing on the forest trail, past the conifers and out towards (what I call) Mount Brackendale.  Realizing that I am living exactly where I want to live:  Amongst the Mountains.  I am one happy camper!  That as much as I completely and utterly value my time on the ocean, I am completely and utterly “at home” moving through the forest and about the mountains.  Hearing a Varied Thrush sing, watching the magic light of the late afternoon sun illuminate patches of the forest, breathing in the fresh mountain air, looking up every so often from the trail and always being amazed with what I see:  All this, and more, makes me completely and utterly happy.

2.  After a girlfriend mentioned the notion of joining her next month for “speed-dating” in the city, and noticing that I instantly froze at the very notion of participating in such a thing, I realized something fundamental to who I am:  That under no circumstances, will I ever have to feel pressured / forced into an interaction with a male with whom I do not wish to interact.  I will choose when I interact with any male.  I will choose with whom I interact.  I will not voluntarily subject myself to being accosted by any male, in any circumstance.

When, and if, I am with a man again, it will flow naturally and without manipulation and enforcement.  I hope to simply stumble upon a member of the opposite sex in a completely unexpected way while I am enjoying the life I now lead.

I am not desperate (and I do not wish to imply that my girlfriend, who invited me, is.  Definitely not, because she most certainly is NOT).  I have no craving whatsoever to commit my time to a man right now.  I do not wish to dedicate time to match myself up with a stranger!

I am 49 and Feeling Fine.