#20: Feeling Disgusted With Myself!

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Feeling Disgusted With Myself

Well, after pigging out on my own homemade Christmas Cake (fruitcake complete with marzipan and royal icing … double layer, no less!) for the past couple of nights, and watching as my tummy becomes more and more blubbery (not to mention my hips and thighs), I have decided that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Only I have the power to control my eating.  Only I have the power to control my level of exercise.  Only I have the power to knock myself out of this blubbery state.

And not that it is a really terribly blubbery state, but it is MORE blubbery than it has been recently.

Six months ago, due to stress-related weight loss, I looked pretty good.

Six months later, with a desk job that requires a lot of sitting each day, and too much fruitcake and too little exercise, I feel disgusted with myself.

So, at 5:45am, I woke up this morning and took myself out for an early morning walk/jog on my usual loop.  It felt GREAT!

I am also empowering myself with the discipline to record every little thing (and I mean EVERYTHING, measurements included) that I eat and every little thing that I do.  I bought a new leather-bound journal when I was in the city with a high school girlfriend (more about that later).   My theme for the journal is “All The Good Things I Do For Myself Every Day”.

I am just going to get a bit more specific and accountable.

As a teenager, counting calories and recording everything was the way to lose weight.

With my return to honesty, I feel that writing down all the food I consume, and all the active pursuits I pursue each day, will make me keep moving forward to getting fit and less blubbery.  And it sure doesn’t help that the news is talking about how sitting for too long each day is a long-term health problem.  

Back to fitness … I still haven’t registered for the Whistler Half Marathon.  I should do that today.  I just have to get a prepaid VISA card to process it.  Lunch time task:   Go for a walk, get some fresh air, get a prepaid card AND purchase my ticket for Friday’s musical event in which my friend’s son will be performing.

I guess this is the day for me to give myself a good kick in the butt!  Get out there more often, Deb.  Eat less, Deb.  Eat better food, Deb.

Can you tell that the cheerleader is coming out in me?  And I am cheering for myself!

Speaking of cheering, I had an absolutely FANTASTIC weekend in the city a couple of weeks ago.  The friend who I met is “One Of The Girls” from junior high and high school.  When I was visiting my parents last summer shortly after I had left my husband, I decided to look her up as they lived in the same town.  Their family runs a shop, so my daughter and I walked into the shop, never really expecting her to actually be there.  And there she was!  Right at the front counter.  I walk in, looked at her, she looked at me and said “Oh my god...Debbie!”

And it has been a fabulous time getting re-acquainted, and even better-acquainted than we ever were back in high school!  In addition to my daughter and I having dinner with her in the summer, we had a lovely afternoon visit here in Squamish the following month, and then our incredible weekend together in Vancouver just a couple of weeks ago.

That was a weekend that I was, again, barely hanging on for.  After Christmas, I really needed some dedicated “Deb Time”.  Time for me to only think of me and do whatever I pleased.  I took the Friday off work, picked said girlfriend up at the airport, hung out at the hotel settling in, indulged in three hours at a Spa (eye-brow shaping/threading (ouch!), hour-long facial, and then a manicure).  I felt like absolute jello at the end.  Absolutely Divine.

A late dinner, a stroll along Robson Street on a Friday night (!), and then sipping wine back in the hotel room mixed in with tons of laughter and straight-up conversation.

Saturday saw us both sleeping in which we both totally appreciated.  We then strolled, and laughed, and strolled, and shopped, and ate, and strolled, and sipped drinks (white wine and a Marguerita!) in the late afternoon at a pub overlooking the water.  I haven’t felt that adult and mature in soooo long.  I had been to that pub with my husband before (I had actually worked at that establishment during my first summer in Vancouver).  I looked over to the bar where we once sat, him getting drunk on some sort of hard liquor and me beginning to fret and stress about how he would behave in the pub, how he would behave in the car which I now had to drive back to Squamish with a drunk spouse next to me, and how much more he will drink before he falls asleep in his own bed.  Sitting there with my girlfriend, in a civilized fashion, both of us sipping our drinks (I think we both had a re-fill!) while thoroughly enjoying ourselves, and not getting out of control, and continuing to laugh, proved to me that yes, people can drink responsibly and have a highly marvelous time and not go home cringing at the thought of how someone else has behaved.  A true revelation and I loved every minute of it.

Without going into more details, the weekend was a huge success for both of us.  We both achieved some breathing space, got to know each other better than ever, and discovered that we really did get along very, very well!  I like her.  A lot.  I look forward to more girl time in the future with her.

And the Sunday, I have to fully admit, was spent spoiling myself absolutely rotten.  I was buzzing about by myself and managed to collect all sorts of things:  more footwear (2 pairs of boots in total and some flats), new running shoes and running tights, and then went absolutely ballistic at Park Royal in West Vancouver.  The kids managed to fare fairly well, too.  Spoiled children!  Complete with a new (slightly used, but new to us!) laptop computer because our other one isn’t going to last much longer.

I drove home, completely spent and utterly relaxed and happy.  I had given myself three whole days to myself.  Pure Bliss.  Desperately needed and successfully accomplished.

Now I am gearing up for saving money in order for my daughter to go to England with her soccer team in a couple of months (which puts my dental bridge-work on hold for a short while … again!).

I realized this morning, when I woke up thoroughly disgusted with myself, that I have been so focused on achieving very specific goals this past year.  And now that I have accomplished them, I need to re-focus on new accomplishments.  New goals.  New dreams.

Yes, I will be going to Toronto later this summer for a Grand Reunion with The Girls!!  I am amazed with how quickly ideas are flying around and everyone is committing to dates.  Another weekend of laughter and love and wine and food with female company.  I can hardly wait.

Yes, I will be running in the Whistler Half Marathon on June 6th.

Yes, I will be saving money.

Yes, I will be hiking with my girlfriend on the weekends.

Yes, I will be working harder at my job.

Yes, I will do more sit-ups every day.

Yes, I will read more books.

Yes, I will use the iPad LESS.

Yes, I will learn about wine.

Yes, I will try to organize a Wine Tour Holiday to Napa Valley.

Yes, I will stop to smell the proverbial rose every day.

Yes, I will create a garden oasis on my balcony.

Yes, I will learn to cook some new healthy dishes.

Wow … that’s an impressive list.  I didn’t think I had any goals for 2015!

Okay.  I am feeling less disgusted with myself.

The sun is shining.  I will get out there and enjoy it over my lunch hour.

Thank you, everyone.

Still 49 and Feeling Fine!