#19 : All Emotions Settled

Tuesday, January 9, 2015

All Emotions Settled

The old year has come to a close and the new year has begun.

I am feeling, emotionally, that the door has most definitely closed on 2014.

I saw it through.

I accomplished everything, EVERYTHING, that I wanted to accomplish once I set things in motion back in March, 2014.

Who would have thought, back on January 1, 2014, that life would be so dramatically and shockingly different 365 days later?

It doesn’t feel as my life has been turned upside-down though.  Ironically, it feels more like it has been turned right-side up!

I have, in a fairly rapid 6-month fashion, come to the point where I have settled everything in my mind.  I am relieved, satisfied, “at peace”, with how I have analyzed, expressed and ultimately dug through everything I needed to dig through in order to reach the point of acceptance.

I now have the right explanations/reasoning for myself of all that has happened.  Of the decisions I have made.  Of the reactions I have felt.  Of the memories that really are so very dear.

I take nothing away from the good memories.  They ARE good memories!  A lifetime of grand memories, in fact.

I offer nothing in the form of criticism.  There is no point in assigning blame.  It happened.  I changed it.  I moved on.

Right now, right here, I simply feel spent.  I feel that there is nothing churning away inside of me.  Nothing is unresolved.  Everything is dealt with.

Now, I simply need to step back, take a pause, before I rev myself up for my new life.  Last night I was fast asleep in bed by 7:30.  Utterly exhausted.

And I had the most amazingly uninterrupted sleep.  I truly have not slept like that in over a year!

I woke up from a deep sleep to the sound of my alarm.

Such luxury to not be disturbed; to not have to try to go back to sleep!

I have set myself a goal for 2015:  To compete in the Whistler Half Marathon in early June.  Before I begin to seriously train for this event though, I wish to grant myself a bit of time off to simply relax and float through this feeling of  “no pressure/no demands” on me.  My children are back at school, routine has begun again, I have no major pressures on me (all bills are paid to date, I have a nice safety cushion in the bank account, nothing is looming on the horizon that could stress me out).  I have all bases covered at the moment.

I simply don’t feel like pushing myself at the moment.  I have pushed myself for a very long time.  Concentrated on sheer survival and getting through each individual day.  

It is pure luxury to float right now knowing that everything is ticking along nicely.

My children are healthy and happy.  Christmas WAS good.  I have a good job.  I am taking care of my personal financial situation.  I have amazing friends.  And I have a Girls’ Weekend in the city to look forward to at the end of the week!

To be away for three days, to have no need to think of cooking, cleaning, fitting everything in and thinking of everybody else.

Three days for me to think only of ME.

To be an adult.  To be a woman who wants to splurge and pamper herself a bit, with another woman!!

I am so looking forward to the laughter.  To the strolling about and doing what we feel like doing.  To sitting in a restaurant and acting like a mature, silly, dignified and wine-sipping adult!

Aaaahhhhhhh … a facial and manicure might be in order, too!

Life has settled.

There will be plenty of time to continue striving forward in determined fashion.  For now, I revel in NOT having to strive forward.  To luxuriate in a state of contentment.  To NOT place any stress upon myself to get something accomplished.

Hell, I have accomplished so much in the past 10 months since I first began Googling.

I DESERVE TO GIVE MYSELF A BREAK.

That’s all.