#3: Sailing Out Of Town

Sunday August 24, 2014

Sailing Out of Town

I sit perched on the top of the Smoke Bluffs, looking down on what appears to be a canoe and rafts stacked with stuff not wanted in my husband’s new life.  He no longer seems to be here in Squamish.  The boat was not there Friday afternoon when another family member went to find him.  That was two days ago.  It looks as if a dingy is upside down on the top of the raft stack.

Has he once again, as we did 13 years ago, sailed out of town?

What I have I done to him?

Tears.

We have one of his family members visiting at the moment, a cousin of his who was last seen about 16 years ago.  Catching him up to date on our life as a family of five has absolutely entrenched in me the indisputable fact that my husband gave me and the children an amazing life.  Despite everything else.

Thank you for that.

I do not know if he will ever hear, or learn of, my utter gratitude for the past 20 years.

Maybe he has simply moved the boat to another less public spot in the valley.  We always talked about other anchoring locations.

Maybe I should have been more firm with getting the children to go see their father these past couple of weeks.  Even though my oldest told me not to enforce the visits and let them go willingly to see their Dad.

Very sad and let down, was how we was recently described to me.

I am sorry for your tears but I had to do this.

I had to do this for me.

Is he doing what he has always said he would do:  Have me/us not exist in his eyes?

This will hit my daughter very hard.  I still do not know, directly from her, exactly what was said during their conversation at the thrift shop three weeks ago.  Even though they all saw each other in a happier setting afterwards, I fear she has been scarred.  All three undoubtedly have been scarred as our family is no longer the same family it has been since before they were born.

Who will walk her down the aisle?

Who will the boys turn to for wisdom and advice on the world and life?

Thoughts to not worry about in the present.

I was told recently that another family member has been waiting for years for me to do this.

How did I put up with it for so long?  That seems to be the most prominent questions with everyone.  And there is no quick response to that.  No one, from outside, can ever understand or compute the finer details of anyone’s relationships.  No one can attempt to judge, analyze, comprehend how small things, over an extended period of time build up and that life on a daily basis is simply lived, moment to moment.  Everyone, ironically, can understand it in those terms as we all do it.  And mixed in with that are remarkably happy moments, profound moments, unforgettable discoveries and experiences, laughter and love.

That I was loved is undisputed.  To look into the eyes of the one who does love you, when that love is declared, is a moment of absolute certainty.

What clouds it is the misdirection caused by neurotransmitters in the brain.

It is a twofold week.

Good-bye and Hello.

What is new is a new job.

After two interviews, I have accepted the offer from Howe Sound Chrysler Dodge Jeep Ram to be their new Finance and Insurance Manager.  With a salary guarantee for the first three months plus commission, immediate benefit coverage, starting two days after we drop my oldest off at University, it may not be the job I was aiming for a couple of weeks ago, but it is a solid offer and I am ready for something new.

I also have a line on a dependable, fuel efficient, economical used car.  I can now sell the gas-guzzling van and save on fuel expenses.

I also was informed, after a lovely long walk in the forest with a long lost friend, that years ago when we last left the house before it sold, a covert operation through a back window resulted in family photographs being hauled out and stored in said friend’s crawl space, waiting to see if the opportunity would ever arise for the photographs to be given back to us.

I am blown away by this incredible act of kindness.

There is great anticipation in seeing what will be produced!  It melts my heart to think that such history still exists for us.

Thank you, Hoochey Mama.

And after a successful session of garage saling yesterday with my visiting cousin-in-law, we have an abundance of picture frames that can soon adorn our walls.

Home is becoming more like home every day.  And to top it all off the Building Manager was fired and the apartment complex is starting to take shape!  Good things all around!

I have had a few good cries since I started walking today.  Accepting, purging, facing, confessing, admitting, writing.  I feel better.  I am sitting in the sun getting a good burn, looking out on what was our home for the past four years.  

Fair winds and following seas my love.

You have loved me fiercely, and I you.

I will treasure that always.

I hope I will remain your Twinkle Toes and personal Cheerleader when you choose to reflect.  We shared an exceptional life together and have three exceptional children together.  I could not have done that without you.  Please know that.

Love,

Me