Rock Bottom

March 14, 2017

I feel as if I have hit rock bottom

I have zero energy, zero focus, zero desire to do anything, zero desire to step outside into the world.

I took myself to the gym yesterday; spent an hour or so on the elliptical and then did some floor work.  

Katy Perry’s “Roar” was playing as I stretched on the mat.  (That song had a big impact on me back in 2013/14.)

One hour was all I could handle.  I had to get back home.  That was enough of the world for that day.

Today, I initially got dressed to return to the gym.  Then the dark cloud descended, and I chose to stay home.  Lacklustre exercises on the living room rug.  

Tonight I am supposed to be meeting a girlfriend in the city for dinner.  She is in town for work.  While I was in the shower, again the dark cloud descended.  The weight of the outside world pressing down on me, suffocating me.

I could not do this.  I could not go out into the world today.  It was going to be too much.

I emailed and texted my girlfriend.  I lied to her.  I said I had been up in the night with an upset tummy.  Not feeling great.  Don’t think I can make it this evening.  Going back to bed.

I need to rectify that situation.  I cannot let that lie remain out there.

I have to admit to her that I am simply not up to facing the world right now, even with a world full of amazing girlfriends who will understand and offer a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen and wisdom to share at the end of it all.

But I was in absolute tears.  I was a mess.  I'm uninspired. I’ve gained weight and now clothes are tight and uncomfortable.  The light has gone out of my eyes at present.  

Why am I feeling so closed in?  Why has my strength abandoned me?

I know the answer to those questions.  

I have allowed myself enough of a break from a regime of responsibility.  My doctor has expertly given me medical instructions to not be working at present.  In her own words last week, “you’ve handled everything like a rockstar”.  It is now time to take care of me, fully and properly.  It is now time to face the demons that haunt me.  Time to look those demons in the eye and react the way I need to react.  To think about it as I need to think about.  To cry.  To groan.  To scream.  To have no time constraints or limits on how quickly I need to come up with the answers in order to pack it away properly.

I have been existing on a treadmill for so many years.  Being on survival mode is exhausting.  Right now, I am not on survival mode.  I have shelter.  I have food.  I have wonderfully caring people in my life.  

I am SAFE.

With safety, comes the ability to actually feel those raw emotions that have festered inside me for too many years.   Well before July 18, 2014, my feelings have been locked down.  It is not just these past 3 years, since making the decision to leave my marriage, have I locked down the emotions.

Since the first instance of abuse I have locked down my emotions.  I have locked away my reactions, my questions, my tears, my fears, my questions for close to 15 years.  Fifteen.  15.  That’s a lot of pressure that builds up over such a time span.  Like a glacier growing with each new snow crystal that lands upon it, and gets compacted by the weight of the next snow crystal.  This is how my angst has grown over the years.  

Leaving my marriage was an immense relief.  It was.  My world instantly changed for the better.  My world was brighter, and happier, and lighter.  

There was, however, still the darkness inside to be dealt with.  Darkness that continues to bubble to the surface when I am going about my typical days.

Now, with the relaxed daily schedule and medically-approved absence from employment, this darkness no longer needs to be kept at bay.  Now is the time to let it rise fully to the surface and fully come into view.  It is time for me to recognize and acknowledge and process just what has happened to me, just what my husband did to me, just how my husband made me feel with every unprovoked strike of his hand, fist, foot.

My lack of energy for everyday matters comes from no longer needing to push down the darkness.  Keeping that darkness at bay has taken everything out of me.  Temporarily, mind you.  I know I will get my focus and drive back.  But right now, I am completely devoid of enthusiasm.  I have pushed it down for so long.  Now that I have stopped pushing, the darkness was not sure if it should come out of hiding.  It has taken a few test runs at me, and now it knows that I will not resist.  In a way, I welcome its appearance so that I can properly feel everything, no matter how deeply those feelings will run.

I have no more resistance.  There is no longer a need to resist.  I don’t have to be at an office 5 days per week.  I don’t have to take care of my children every day.  I have no demands on my time and schedule right now.

Come on Darkness.  Out you come.

Come show me what you have for me.  Let me feel it.  Let me cry out in agony for all that I was not able to feel for all those years.  

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

I’m ready for it now.

So what if I’ve gained weight.  So what if I’ve temporarily misplaced my focus and drive.  So what.

So, bloody, what.

I deserve this time.  I deserve this time to put everything on the table.  To be honest about how everything has made me feel.  I will not make excuses. And then I will be able to move back into that wonderful world of sunshine and smiles and laughter. I will get there. I know I will.

My doctor states that I need this time for me.

My girlfriend has been sent an apology and an explanation.  Truth, once again, prevails.  I hope she’ll forgive me.

I feel another chapter coming on.