SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF
One week from today, I will step into the offices of my new employer. I have been happily unemployed, officially, since January 13th (a Friday, no less).
When I left my former employer, the intention was to take the time to unwind from the personal challenges of the past several years. I was bushed. I needed the time to wash away the negative impression which my former employer left upon me, and I needed time to unburden myself from the various responsibilities I have had to shoulder for me and my children. In other words, once I got my head straight I was quite happy to be really patient in my job search so that I could land a job that matched my ideals and desires. Let me define "patient": Having a few months of unemployment did not daunt me in the slightest. I welcomed such a notion.
Well, little did I know that even before I tendered my resignation, I noticed a job opportunity, right here in my home town, for a position that I would be perfect for, and which would be perfect for me.
Before the dust had even settled from my resignation, then my resume was submitted and an interview was being requested! No time was being wasted at all on either side.
The reason I submitted my resume for this particular posting was due to it fitting almost to a "T" what I was truly looking for in this next stage of my career. For 25 years, I have lived and breathed the Adventure Tourism industry, specifically river rafting. I stumbled into a job with a wilderness rafting expedition outfit back in 1992, once I had moved to Vancouver from Toronto. From there, the man I then married (who I met at this particular outfit) started up his own river rafting outfit. We operated our particular river adventures directly from our dining room and driveway.
Even after our return from sailing, a stretch of eight years, I did everything I could to re-establish ourselves as successful river rats.
Our family-owned and -operated business came to a close in 2014, however, when the family had changed its structure. It is difficult to run a family business when the family is no more.
With having to pay rent, put food on the table, cover all teenage-related expenses (times 3), cover all other living expenses, pay for gas and insurance and everything else in our lives (and I mean everything except for post-secondary education expenses which I most certainly did not have the means to cover), I needed a job. Any job. Being selective was not an option. I seriously was picturing myself as a cashier at any of the big box stores now located where I live.
That's when I became a Finance Officer at a car dealership here in town. It proved successful in that it covered my bills and periodically allowed for extra income to cover splurges and treats/spoils for myself and the kids.
During the latter three months of 2016 though, I was becoming increasingly restless and dissatisfied with how I was earning my income. Yes, I was earning a good income, but that was simply not enough reason for me to pull myself together and ignore my own conscience. In other words, I was selling my soul working in the auto industry.
I wanted to be back in the Adventure Tourism industry. I wanted to sell something that I truly believed in. I wanted to sell from the heart again.
Every time I booked a river rafting trip, it was not because of any sales pitch that I presented to the unsuspecting individual at the other end of the telephone. My sheer love and enthusiasm for our river adventures shone through immediately. All I was simply doing was chatting about how great a day on the river can be. No selling involved at all. Simply sharing my love of the wilderness with others. Simply selling "fun".
And it always worked!
(My former husband always told me that I could sell a rafting trip to someone who lived in the desert.)
I, once again, wanted to earn my income from a source that was compatible with my own beliefs, desires, passions and conscience. If I had to forfeit some income in order to do this, then I could live with that. No problem. I did not want to sell my soul anymore for any job.
So, back to the employment opportunity that appeared online back in December. I saw the posting before Christmas (along with a couple of other postings that I would have been perfect for), but did nothing about it. Just took note of it. Then all the brew-ha-ha bubbled up at my former employer, and I made the decision to walk away. I was looking forward to taking a few months, perhaps, to focus on me: Do some hiking, do some writing, maybe really start working on this book I keep talking about!
In early January, this employment opportunity was still listed on the website.
Hmmmmmm. What to do? What to do?
Here are the positives:
- it is in the Adventure Tourism industry
- it is here in town (a 5-minute commute from my front door)
- it is in the Adventure Tourism industry (did I mention that already?)
- it is a definite foot in the door for the Adventure Tourism industry
Here are the negatives:
- this may upend my unemployment freedom and all the wonderful notions of having a few months off just for myself
As mentioned before, I submitted my resume and was called in for an interview. The long and the short of it: I begin work next Monday!
I am back in the Adventure Tourism Industry, baby!
Yahoo!!!
In total, I will have been footloose and fancy-free for two months. These two months have seen me do quite a bit. In my own mind, however, I am quite hard on myself for not having accomplished so much more with my time.
Have you ever had that problem?
Yes, quite a bit of snowshoeing has taken place; I have cross-country skied a few times (both skate and classic); I have downhill skied twice with my kids; I drove to Kelowna to see my parents for a few days; I have luxuriated twice now (yes, twice!) at the Scandinave Spa in Whistler, and have a third visit coming up this weekend; I have taken myself out for walks/hikes/jogs on the various forest trails around the valley; I will be heading out of town later this week to see family friends whom I have not seen for 8 years (!); I have done some writing on my blog; I have finally sewed the new toss cushion covers for my living room pillows; and, and, and.
I'm pausing now as the sunset is just so gorgeous. I'll return when it is dark and the grocery shopping is done!
I'm back. The sun has set, the groceries are packed away, and I have a pot of green tea next to me on the couch (surrounded by my newly-covered toss cushions!).
Back to my thoughts of not accomplishing enough during these past two months. At the beginning of January, there was a long list of tasks/goals/projects for me to tend to with this new-found freedom. Put the finishing touches on the bathroom; jazz up my bedroom; learn how to use my camera; read books rather than play games on my iPad; work on my book; write on my blog every day; start a Facebook page for my blog; wander and explore and photograph and write about it; check out museums and galleries; bake bread regularly; go the gym every day and work on my fitness; lose weight; and on and on and on.
Interspersed with my regular bursts of outdoor activity, especially during the past couple of weeks, I have spent a significant amount of down-time on my couch. By the time I returned home from visiting my parents, I was exhausted. I had left my job, broke up with the guy I was seeing, began negotiations for a new job, and felt completely wiped emotionally and physically. I finally realized that I was simply exhausted from the build-up of responsibilities over the past several years.
I had left my husband and within six weeks my new life was fairly well established in its new routine. Add to that the emotional healing processes that randomly burst to the surface with the ending of 20+year relationship, emotions that no longer want to be ignored. I know that I am not the only single mother out there. And I also fully acknowledge that, as a single mother, I have actually had a fairly easy time of it. Yes, I have been incredibly fortunate with establishing a new life for myself and my children. Incredibly fortunate, indeed. But emotions still have to be tended to, no matter how smoothly the new life is ticking along. And with emotional healing, comes vulnerability, self-examination, cries, anger and exhaustion. Add to that a year-and-a-half of split weekends (Sundays and Tuesdays off). No wonder I was happy to be unemployed!
The point is that now that I had time to unwind my emotions, unwind my responsibilities, and unwind my mind, I found that I was completely zapped of energy. On the weekends I was out there with girlfriends, but for quite a few mid-week days I did not leave my apartment. I had no desire to get out and do stuff. You know how you can sometimes feel on Boxing Day, after all the hub-bub of Christmas? Well, that's a good way to describe how I have felt recently. Totally wiped out.
I have already done a lot of emotional healing. I have worked through many topics by myself, with various girlfriends, and with a therapist. The grief and the anger and the forward progression have all been realized.
I suppose, that with the opportunity to totally relax and not have to force myself to maintain a level of daily life that was pretty much dictated by others around me, I could easily lull myself into a state of blah-ness and weariness. I liked not having to use my brain to process thoughts; I liked not having any thoughts at all!
For precisely those reasons, my productivity level has been less than expected. In these last few days of unemployed bliss, I find myself shaking my head at my lack of production. All that talk, with no obvious accomplishment.
The biggest project of all was to begin seriously working on a manuscript for my book, or rather, my memoir. I have been talking about this now for more than two years. That, to date, is all that it has been: Talk. A few months ago I decided to take the pressure off myself and simply not put any expectations on myself. I was going to step, temporarily, away from the writing table. I would let the natural inclination to write present itself. I subsequently discovered that I did enjoy writing in blog form. Thinking of chapters and contents and overall direction for a book was daunting. Whereas a blog has me typing away on my laptop about whatever topic is churning around in my mind at that particular moment. It is a completely fluid process that has a definite beginning, middle and end. Simply click the "publish" button and my work is done.
I like that approach to writing.
I am actually hoping that with writing individual posts more frequently, the memoir will begin to take shape naturally on its own. That I can weave together the various thought-specific ramblings into a coherent, and likeable, draft.
Then there is photography. A new-found hobby is walking around with the digital equivalent of a 35mm-camera. As with writing, I enjoy it immensely when the mood strikes. When out on a trail with friends, I will utilize my iPhone for photographs. The true passion for photography comes when I am wandering these trails by myself. I can then intently focus on different angles, subjects, and move at my own pace. Nothing could be more infuriating for hiking friends than to be constantly waylaid by someone stopping every few feet to take a picture (I annoy my friends enough as it is with the iPhone!). I picked up a book for photographic beginners back in the summer. I've looked at it once. With my time off I was hoping to delve into the topic and really learn how to use my camera. That has not happened.
Right now I have a little voice in my head chanting: Revel in the accomplishments of what you HAVE done, rather than feel bad about what you have NOT done.
That is a good Life Lesson.
It is the equivalent of do not waste time on regret.
So what if I have not done everything I set out to do?
Look at what I have done in the past two months!
And if it were not for stumbling online into this latest career opportunity, I would still have all of this wonderful time on my hands in which to accomplish more. Not a bad trade off.
Although I will soon be back in an office five days a week, and sitting at a desk, it will have a much more positive focus than what existed at my previous employer.
This is my unbelievable chance to step back into an industry where my heart belongs. And who knows where it will take me?
Most decisions in life involve some level of compromise.
I am willing to forego more time to myself in order to pursue an opportunity that will (hopefully) make me happier, more content, more fulfilled, and potentially expose me to an entirely new realm of people and places.
That is a compromise worth making.
I will no longer feel "bad" about what I have not done.
I will feel "great" about all that I have accomplished and experienced.
So should you.
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