#38: YVR

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

YVR

Location:  Vancouver International Airport (YVR)

Reason for Being There:  Catching a flight to Toronto to see girlfriends I grew up with

Why:  ‘Cuz I Can!  ‘Cuz I Want To!  ‘Cuz I Deserve It.  ‘Cuz THIS IS WHO I AM!!!

This has been in the works for eight months or so.  I made it a mission to get myself to Toronto at some point in 2015.  It has now evolved into a 10-day Extravaganza of Girlfriends!

2015 has been about reclaiming ME.

All the various aspects of life that I value, all the different levels of happiness, enjoyment and sheer wonder that I value have been somewhat pushed aside (?) over the years  With my new-found freedom came all these amazing opportunities for me to pub back into my life all those aspects of life that I value.  All those aspects that made up “ME”.

I call it reclaiming, and that is exactly what it is.

And I have worked hard to reclaim myself.  It was especially hard to continue reclaiming me just this past week.  My holiday (which began August 1st at 5:01pm when the office closed for the day), could not have come at any better time.  I was at the end of my rope.  I was barely able to keep it together.  I was exhausted physically, emotionally.  I was exhausted from the sheer shouldering of responsibility.  I could finish that sentence with “during the past 12 - 18 months”, but, in reality, I have been shouldering responsibility (responsibility that should have been shouldered by two people, not just one), for many, many years.

I melted down into tears a total of three times on Saturday.  Once in the morning at home, then at work, then again at home over dinner.  Three meltdowns in front of three different audiences.  Even the notion of going to water someone else’s garden brought me to a complete state of panic.

I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE.

I am tired of being the sole go-to person for myself and my three children.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want to be anything other than THE go-to person for my children.  All I am saying is that I had reached the state of complete and utter exhaustion.

It was a giant wave that rolled over me.

Given the fact that I have gone completely backwards in my physical state lately (running less, eating more), and how that fact has completely bummed me out, …

I’m taking a pause right now.

I just don’t feel like writing at the moment.

Hold on to those thoughts and I will get back to you.  I am gonna sit back and enjoy my Chai Latte!