Happy Birthday To My Ex-Husband

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Happy Birthday To My Ex-Husband

Yes, I have an "ex".  Actually, I have two "ex's".  Actually, I prefer the term "former" to "ex", it seems more polite and tactful.  

I have a former boyfriend and I have a former husband.

In one week's time, I will have been divorced for one year.  February 22, 2016 brought about the closing of my 21+ year marriage.  Although I initiated the separation and divorce, it was neither an easy decision to make, nor an easy process to live through.  Both are truly a combination of grief and relief.

A couple of weeks ago, I added a former boyfriend to the list.  We had been seeing each other for six months, and we did spend a great deal of time together exploring our local mountains and sharing lots of laughter.  Ultimately though, I simply had to admit to myself that, even with his wonderful understanding, generosity and sheer desire to grow old with me, I was unable to fully reciprocate his feelings.  Rather than try to fool both of us, and ignore the fact that our emotional commitment was not equal on both sides, I ended the relationship.  Once again, I pulled the rug out from under another human being's feet, another human being with whom I was sharing time.  

Both men were taken by surprise.  Both men had no idea what my thought process was leading up to those individual final days.  Both men have been emotionally scarred by my actions.  

For that, I am truly sorry.

What I have learned from this most recent relationship, however, is that in order for me to be true to me, I had to make the decisions that ultimately hurt each of these men.  And even though there were personality similarities between them (both are great outdoorsmen; competent and confident in their actions; athletic), similarities that were definitely positive traits, I simply was not completely swept off my feet.  And that, for myself, was worth recognizing.

I argued with myself before breaking it off last month.  I questioned whether at my age (51!), I would ever find another man who was so openly willing to share his life with me.  Would I ever find another man who so openly adored me?  Would I ever find another man who was fully capable and willing to show me the mountains?  Would I ever find another man who was so financially secure to carry me into the future?

A long telephone conversation with a girlfriend quickly erased these nagging doubts.  Her mother, at the ripe age of 80 (yes, eighty!), fell head over heels in love, and in my girlfriend's words "acted like a giddy schoolgirl".  So there you have it, one is never too old to fall in love.

I am holding out for love.

I want to melt in a man's arms.  

As I was not melting in the arms of this latest romance, and even though I may not melt again in my lifetime, I had to be true to myself in the end.  I could not pretend that I felt more than what I actually felt.  That would not have been fair to either one of us.

So I am single once again, upon my own initiative.

I am okay with that.  

This most recent relationship has made me feel good about myself again in a different way.  It affirmed to me that I can still be attractive to the opposite sex (even though I am still trying to drop 5 - 10 pounds!), and that a member of the opposite sex finds me intriguing.  After being married for more than 20 years, you begin to wonder if you have what it takes to be interesting to someone else!  I now have proof that yes, I have intriguing qualities.

What I have also been made aware of is the undeniable good elements of both relationships.  Perhaps it was a recent trip to see my parents that has helped move me up onto a higher level of existence.  Looking through photographs that depicted the various generations of our family, I came upon images of my former husband in different scenarios with my family.  One image had us both lying about on the rec room floor at my parents' house when I brought my new love back east to meet everyone.  Seeing in the photograph the ease between us, the comfortableness between us, the undeniable connection that was between us, made me feel really good about what we had.

We did have one heck of a story; one heck of a life together.  After almost three years of emotional turmoil, I can fondly admit that I did marry one heck of a man!

Even though I suffered many dark hours during our marriage, I cannot dispute the simple fact that we did share a very deep love for each other.  I can admit that now.  I see it in the photographs.  I see it in how we look at each other.  I see it in our smiles.  

So, Happy Birthday sweetie.  

You did offer me incredibly phenomenal life adventures over the years.

You did offer me incredibly phenomenal opportunities to grow as a human.

You did offer me the incredibly phenomenal opportunity to become an Amazon!

You did offer me the incredibly phenomenal opportunity to become a mother.

I know that I also offered you incredibly phenomenal opportunities.  Many friends have reinforced that notion over the past couple of years.  

We both shared a wonderful life together.

I can say that now, and mean it.

It actually brings tears to my eyes.  I have not cried over you in quite a while.  

At present, even though I am man-less (and feeling ever-so-slightly empty), and I am indulging myself with being back at home full-time again (no more sleepovers at "his" place!), and I am indulging myself with my girlfriends again (finally!), I am starting to feel the fire being stoked up inside me once again.  That made-of-steel woman who will stand up for herself, who will boldly walk into every day, who will not compromise on what makes her happy, who recognizes what makes her happy.  The fire was doused for a while there, but it is coming back.  

I still like men.  I do!

But no one man is the reason for my existence.  

The men who have been in my life have brought me great joy.  There is no need to harp on the negatives.  

Those joys have helped shape me into the woman I am today.  It sounds rather cliche, but we learn and love from every one we interact with.  I have learned from the challenges too, but that is not what I wish to write about today.

I have learned greatly from the men in my life (two in the past 25 years!).

I have been loved greatly by the men in my life.  

I have loved greatly, too.

Happy Birthday to the man I married.

Happy Birthday to the man with whom I shared so much life.