What My Children Mean To Me

Friday, February 17, 2017

WHAT MY CHILDREN MEAN TO ME

I am a mother.

I have three children.

They are, actually, young adults.  My oldest son is 20 years old, my younger son and daughter are each 18 years old. 

My three children are my pride and joy.

My three children are who I turn to for grounding, solace and comfort.

My three children are everything to me. 

Everything.

I do not know if any, some, or all of my children are aware of this but, at various times over the years, they have truly been my lifeline.  When times were tough, and situations hard to bear, it was my children who got me through it.  They most likely were not aware of just what they provided for me.   Most likely they were not aware of the sheer impact they had on my survival.  

The mantra that would run through my head during more delicate scenarios was "just let me get back to my children; just let me get back to my children; just let me get back to my children".  Once I was back with my children, then the world would (eventually) stabilize again.  In one-on-one circumstances (either at home or away from home), I would be the focus of another person's displeasure.  Once back in the presence of my children, the family dynamic would kick in and the focus would no longer be on me.  I was always in a more tentative position without the children.  With the children, I was most definitely safer.

Countless times I turned to my children, unbeknownst to them, to be a link to sanity; a link to love and comfort; a link to how the world should really be.

When they were younger, I would automatically kick into "mummy mode", put a smile on my face, prepare dinner and pretend that everything was peachy keen.  As they got older, and they themselves became more aware of the dynamic unfolding within our family, I could not only talk to them, but break down in tears in their company.  That is how much my children mean to me.

When, as a parent, you feel completely and utterly raw emotionally, and you know that the last thing you should be doing is crying in front of your children.  But when your children are so interwoven into your core being it would be shameful not to cry in their presence. 

More than once, my children have witnessed my tears. 

More than once, my children have listened to me pour out my emotions.

More than once, my children have listened to my confession:  I do not know how much longer I can live with your father.

And every single time that I melted down, my three children were there for me.

Every.  Single.  Time.

My existence, my sanity, my laughter, my depth of love is because of my three children.

About a year ago, while walking through the forest and talking out loud to myself, I was struck with the realization that the reason that I put up with, endured, and ultimately, survived everything that I was subjected to was all for the sake of my children. 

Let me clarify:  My children are not the reason why I had to endure my husband's behaviour.  My children are the reason why I survived my husband's behaviour.  There is a vast difference. 

My children were, and still are, the three shining lights that illuminate the dark night. 

My children were, and still are, the sun that shines through the darkest of storms.

My children were, and most definitely still are, the three undeniably phenomenal reasons why I get the absolute BEST of each and every day.

When I need a good laugh, I turn to my children.

When I am feeling wobbly, I turn to my children.

When I am feeling frazzled, I turn to my children.

When I need a good cry, I turn to my children.

They are quite used to getting random texts from their mother declaring how much I love them.  The normal response now is "you ok?"!

My three children know me very, very well.

I feel incredibly lucky to be their mother.

I not only have their backs, but they most definitely have mine.

There is such amazing comfort in that.

So what if I don't have a man in my life.

I have so much more.

I have a flotilla of girlfriends (Thank You, Ladies!).

I have three amazing children.

Life Is Grand.

That Is What My Children Mean To Me.