Feeling Kinda Blue

Saturday, February 18, 2017

FEELING KINDA BLUE

While out for a run this afternoon, along the trails by the river and golf course, I felt this big lump inside.  I felt a good cry coming on.

But, why?

Why was I feeling that way?

What was making me want to cry?

Ever since leaving my husband back in the summer of 2014, I swiftly moved into the mode of "figure out why you feel the way you do, at the very moment that you feel it.  Figure it out, then move on."  

Or, as Madonna sings:  Express yourself, don't repress yourself.

Discovering exactly why I have reacted to something, or someone, has been a high priority for me.  For years I had to exist in a state where I could not acknowledge what I was feeling.  My emotions were locked down and were not allowed the opportunity to express themselves.  And, I most definitely mean "not allowed".

With my freedom from marriage came this 180-degree turn where I said exactly what was on my mind.  Not in any mean way at all, simply in the most communicative manner possible.  I now was able to express myself, and I was thoroughly enjoying it!

So during today's run, I stopped in the middle of the trail, looked up into the trees and asked, both myself and the forest, Why Am I Feeling This Way?

(I love talking out loud to the forest during my hikes/walks/runs.  I can express all sorts of emotions amongst the trees because, as I tell my girlfriends, the forest can take it.  The mountains can also take it.  I have been known to yell out from an alpine meadow or trail, purging myself of pent up emotions!  You should try it sometime.)

From my recent writings, I have been thinking quite a bit about the two men who have played significant parts in my life:  My former husband and the man with whom I hung out during the past six months.

With my former husband, I now can unhesitatingly state that I did love him.  And as we will always share the bond of mother and father to our three children, each of us will no doubt be reminded of that love during those moments jointly spent with our children.  

With my former boyfriend, I can also state that I was quite fond of him.  There did exist some common ground and some common interests.  Yes, there were differences, but there were comfortable commonalities as well.  We did have some great times together.

My emotional jolt today was based on the doubt of "have I already experienced all the love that I will experience in my life?".  Will I experience love again?

That was it.  

This sounds kind of corny, but I have been enjoying listening to Frank Sinatra lately.  My gosh, what a voice!

His music provokes a sort of primitive response in me.  I love this kind of music as it makes me feel so lively and happy.  It fills me with this incredible sense of joie de vivre and giddiness.  I want to meet a man who feels this too.  Yes, with both men it was always evident that I loved music and dancing and singing.  Both men knew this of me.  Both men fully appreciated this in me.

But I go back to the basic reason why I broke up with Man #2:  I was not completely swept off my feet.

Frank Sinatra's music sweeps me off my feet.  I want a man who also loves this kind of music and who will literally sweep me off my feet while it is playing.  

Ah ha ... here we go.  Eureka.

With both men, it was each of their preferences typically that set the pace.  The places, activities, outings that I really enjoyed were typically not a number one priority.  There was a bit of a bias towards the man's preferences.  Case in point:  My birthday.  Over the years I learned not to expect anything for my birthday.  Typically the day involved doing something that was not based on my desires.  I always hoped that for one day out of the year, my own likes and preferences would be acknowledged and respected.  In the end, I stopped anticipating, and stopped setting myself up for disappointment.   I let it all go to avoid getting upset.

I want to find a man who challenges me, but also values some of the same quirky things in life that I value.  Someone who likes hiking in the alpine and luxuriating at the top, someone who likes jazz, someone who will scoop me up in his arms and slow dance me around the kitchen, someone who will walk in the forest with me and not make me feel as if he is just filling time.  

I know that at this stage of life we all have firmly developed our own likes and dislikes, our favourites and not-so-favourites, our own idiosyncrasies.   And finding a compatible personality will require compromise to a certain degree.  Yet, there are some relationship/personality elements on which I do not wish to compromise.

I want to be scooped up in a man's arms and totally encased in his strength and comfort.  I want a man who is capable of wrapping himself totally around me.  For me, this physical attribute is extremely important.  I want to feel safe and secure and sheltered in a man's arms.  I do.

I want him to have a similar desire to travel to the places where I wish to travel.  I'm a Renaissance Woman who wants to immerse herself in the Italian and Spanish and French cultures.  I want to see Art in Florence.  I want to walk the same hills that Da Vinci walked.  I want to sit outside an Italian Cafe and sip wine and eat bread and cheese while watching the world walk by.  I want to saunter down flower-covered laneways and stumble upon photographic gems that my camera will love.  I want to sit in a small, dark bar or restaurant and listen to amazing Jazz musicians.  I want to sleep in alpine meadows and listen to wolves howling.

I want to feel excited to be out in public doing these marvellous things with a marvellous man.  Because if he can do this for me, then, oh my gosh, just wait to see how I will be with him.  That kind of personality will completely open this woman up and my effervescent and sparkling personality will not be kept contained.  I want a common free-for-all of excitement and appreciation and in-depth respect for what each of us adores in life.

I want to be adored AND I want to be adoring.  Sincere adoring on both sides.  Each of us wanting to sincerely please the other one.  None of this fake adoring that just makes you go "ew".   Genuine adoration on a two-way street.  

If there is a man out there who can make me feel this way, then watch out!  There will be no stopping us.

So that's what made me cry today:  The thought that I may not ever have this in my life.  

I know, it sounds rather pessimistic; rather too reliant on a male to fulfill myself; rather too self-indulging on the romance.  I know.

But it's what I feel at this particular moment in time.

It will not stop me from doing anything that I want to do.  Certainly not.  But there is the hope that, perhaps, I might be able to do these things with a man at my side who will share the same gratification and pleasure.

That's all.

Now it is time to head over to a girlfriend's place and work on some home decorating projects with her sewing machine!

Happy Saturday, everyone.

I am feeling less blue.

Thank you.