My Fears

Saturday, January 28, 2017

MY FEARS

As I walked through the forest today, concentrating on each step as the trails were still incredibly icy and slippery from previous snowfalls, my thoughts abruptly fell upon a notion that made me stop in my tracks.

2 1/2 years ago I left my husband (now my former husband).  Six days ago I broke up with the fellow I had been seeing since August.  Even with all the progress I have made on so many personal and professional fronts, I am right back to where I was on July 18, 2014.  Well, almost.

Yes, first of all I will acknowledge that tremendous strides have been taken since walking away from my marriage.  Phenomenal successes have been experienced and realized on so many different levels in the past couple of years.  Successes of which I am incredibly proud.

Yet there are other realities which must also be acknowledged.  I'm 51 years old.  The fact that I'm unattached bothers me less than this fact:  I have zero financial security at the moment.  I have no assets.  I have no nest egg.  Heck, I have no job!  I have no partner in which to share the financial requirements of the immediate future, much less the financial requirements of retirement.  I am alone.

These are quite scary thoughts.

I meet others of my generation, who have a house, vehicles, all the toys, plenty of visible signs of financial security.  Now, I know that this can all be an illusion.  No one knows exactly what anyone else's financial picture looks like.  Debts can outstrip assets for a good portion of the population.  I know that.  But, even so, it makes me feel so inadequate knowing I rent a fairly inexpensive two-bedroom apartment in a less splashy complex (because this is all I can afford); that I have no savings to speak of (some, but not a heck of a lot); that talking about taking a holiday is quite different from actually paying to go on such a holiday.  I basically am living hand to mouth once all the monthly bills have been paid.

My precious girlfriends are quick to argue this point on my behalf.  I have an incredible relationship and bond with all three of my children.  Even though they are young adults now, I am still their go-to person for just about everything.  They trust that I am here for them.  They know I will do anything for them.  This is no different than any other mother out there, but, for me, what we share is incredibly unique, incredibly strong, and incredibly phenomenal.   My children are my lifeline.   Lots of other parents out there are not so fortunate.  

Also, life has offered up an incredibly unique array of adventures for me.  I have not had a typical life in a quiet little town.  I married a man who was independent, self-reliant, a ground-breaker, and unmatched leader.  We shared an amazing life together as entrepreneurs, as sailors, as parents, and as husband and wife.  Not all couples can make such claims.  

I may not have a lot of money in the bank, but, I have so much more.

I may not have a lot of money in the bank, but, I know who I am.

I may not have a lot of money in the bank, but, my children look to me for love and security and answers and advice and even laughter.

I may not have a lot of money in the bank, but, I stand up for myself.

I may not have a lot of money in the bank, but, I will walk away from situations or relationships that do not make me entirely happy.

I may not have a lot of money in the bank (i.e.  tangible wealth), but, I have a vast quantity of intangible assets and experiences.  

Presented in that form, I have nothing in my life that should make me feel inadequate.

In everyone's individual life, there are always good aspects to be found.  Sometimes it simply requires reminding yourself of the good things in your life, to make you move past the bad things in your life.

I feel less frightened now.

Thank you.