Saturday, January 28, 2017
MY FEARS
As I walked through the forest today, concentrating on each step as the trails were still incredibly icy and slippery from previous snowfalls, my thoughts abruptly fell upon a notion that made me stop in my tracks.
2 1/2 years ago I left my husband (now my former husband). Six days ago I broke up with the fellow I had been seeing since August. Even with all the progress I have made on so many personal and professional fronts, I am right back to where I was on July 18, 2014. Well, almost.
Yes, first of all I will acknowledge that tremendous strides have been taken since walking away from my marriage. Phenomenal successes have been experienced and realized on so many different levels in the past couple of years. Successes of which I am incredibly proud.
Yet there are other realities which must also be acknowledged. I'm 51 years old. The fact that I'm unattached bothers me less than this fact: I have zero financial security at the moment. I have no assets. I have no nest egg. Heck, I have no job! I have no partner in which to share the financial requirements of the immediate future, much less the financial requirements of retirement. I am alone.
These are quite scary thoughts.
I meet others of my generation, who have a house, vehicles, all the toys, plenty of visible signs of financial security. Now, I know that this can all be an illusion. No one knows exactly what anyone else's financial picture looks like. Debts can outstrip assets for a good portion of the population. I know that. But, even so, it makes me feel so inadequate knowing I rent a fairly inexpensive two-bedroom apartment in a less splashy complex (because this is all I can afford); that I have no savings to speak of (some, but not a heck of a lot); that talking about taking a holiday is quite different from actually paying to go on such a holiday. I basically am living hand to mouth once all the monthly bills have been paid.
My precious girlfriends are quick to argue this point on my behalf. I have an incredible relationship and bond with all three of my children. Even though they are young adults now, I am still their go-to person for just about everything. They trust that I am here for them. They know I will do anything for them. This is no different than any other mother out there, but, for me, what we share is incredibly unique, incredibly strong, and incredibly phenomenal. My children are my lifeline. Lots of other parents out there are not so fortunate.
Also, life has offered up an incredibly unique array of adventures for me. I have not had a typical life in a quiet little town. I married a man who was independent, self-reliant, a ground-breaker, and unmatched leader. We shared an amazing life together as entrepreneurs, as sailors, as parents, and as husband and wife. Not all couples can make such claims.
I may not have a lot of money in the bank, but, I have so much more.
I may not have a lot of money in the bank, but, I know who I am.
I may not have a lot of money in the bank, but, my children look to me for love and security and answers and advice and even laughter.
I may not have a lot of money in the bank, but, I stand up for myself.
I may not have a lot of money in the bank, but, I will walk away from situations or relationships that do not make me entirely happy.
I may not have a lot of money in the bank (i.e. tangible wealth), but, I have a vast quantity of intangible assets and experiences.
Presented in that form, I have nothing in my life that should make me feel inadequate.
In everyone's individual life, there are always good aspects to be found. Sometimes it simply requires reminding yourself of the good things in your life, to make you move past the bad things in your life.
I feel less frightened now.
Thank you.
Saturday, 28 January 2017
Friday, 27 January 2017
49 And Feeling Fine ... What Is That All About?
Friday, January 27, 2017
49 AND FEELING FINE ... What Is That All About?
I need to back up a bit in history in order to explain the handle of the blog: 49 And Feeling Fine.
Let's travel back to 2014.
This was the year that saw major changes occur in my life. This was the year that saw me walk away from my marriage of 19+ years, and from the man with whom I had lived for 21 years. Courtship, marriage, relocation, opening of our own river rafting outfit, home owners, three children, selling of the rafting outfit, selling of our home, cruising and living on the ocean for 11 years (yes, with our children!), returning to land and re-establishing the same river rafting outfit.
Sounds like a good life, doesn't it? It was. Exceptional, in fact. Large portions of my married life were fantastic, phenomenal, unique and irreplaceable.
Yet under all that adventure, freedom, independence, self-reliance and love, there was a fundamental undercurrent that overrode all those positive elements. An undercurrent that manifested itself into a whirling dervish of blame and rage. I thought long and hard about my decision to leave. I searched deep inside myself to determine just how much more of this undercurrent I could take. After great anguish and vast quantities of tears, I had to admit to myself, and to my children, that my time as "wife" was over; that it was time for me to say "enough" and "no more"; that it was time for me to stand up for myself.
I turned 49 years old during this process.
I was 49 years old when I stood up for myself and left my husband.
That was July 18, 2014.
I had a lot on my plate right from the onset. I had to find a place to live for me and my three teenagers. I had to find a job. I had to pack up my oldest and settle him into university life. I had to establish a daily life for my younger two children still at home. I had to tend to the marital financial matters that were left hanging in the wind. And, eventually, I would have to tend to the matter of divorce. Thankfully, my parents did not hesitate to help, and I at least had some money in the bank account in which to pay first and last month's rent and buy some food. If not for that generosity, I don't know how everything would have settled out.
There were, in addition to the stressful responsibilities of getting on with life, hours of great laughter, tears (good tears!), hugs and long, long telephone calls to girlfriends scattered across the country and across my personal life history. Girlfriends who I had not seen for 30 years. Girlfriends who answered the telephone and whooped with joy when they realized who was on the other end. Re-connecting with so many long lost girlfriends has been so incredibly precious and invaluable to me. To be able to turn to another single human being when you needed to talk, much less turn to a growing list of such humans, was finally making me feel as if I was truly loved in the world.
In addition to the variety of conversations throughout this time, I also needed to express myself in a more one-directional manner. I began to write.
Therapy would materialize in the future, but for now, the best therapy for me was going for a walk/hike to a fantastic viewpoint, and then sit with my laptop and simply let the words spill out onto the keyboard. Rather than just a journal for myself, I had this indescribable need to share my words and emotions and torment with anyone out there who would read it. I started a blog.
49 And Feeling Fine.
I will admit that after writing many, many, many posts for 12 months, I began to write less and less. Then, I entered a non-fiction writing contest and adapted the very first blog entry to be my submission to the contest. One rule of the contest was that you could not have any previously published works, or else your entry would be eliminated. Were blog entries deemed to be published works? I didn't want to take the chance, as I really wanted to try my hand at non-fiction writing. I then printed up each and every blog entry and then deleted each and every one of them! Just like that, they were gone.
I didn't get anywhere in the contest. The printed blog entries sat in an envelope for many months while I tried to figure out how to return to writing.
As 2016 was coming to a close, and I was dealing with yet another round of personal conflict, I decided to start the blog up again. I have been encouraged by many friends over the past couple of years to write a book; a memoir. I simply have not been able to wrap my head around the idea completely. Blogging seemed much more natural to me.
I discovered that I want to inspire other people, most notably women. I want to share the details of what I have overcome, and what I have felt, past and present. I want to be an example of a strong woman. I want others to see that even though I was subjected to incredibly tumultuous marital scenarios, I was able to hold my head high and walk away from it. I want to, hopefully, have my words make a difference in someone else's life. Through my words and my strength, perhaps someone out there may also find strength in herself to change her situation.
With the first blog entry, the words flowed and my fingers typed. There was a very natural progression with what was written. It wrapped up nicely with the words "I am 49 years old, and I feel fine". I liked that. And that's how the blog handle came into existence. Simple, actually!
I think, bit by bit, I will include some (and perhaps eventually, all) of those original writings. For now, I will include that first post as a post script. I hope you enjoy it.
There is so much for which I am excited to write. Whether it is specifically about my own experiences, or observations of the world around me, there is no end of inspiring topics to wax lyrical!
I look forward to this ongoing story.
Happy Friday, everyone!
POST SCRIPT:
49 AND FEELING FINE ... What Is That All About?
I need to back up a bit in history in order to explain the handle of the blog: 49 And Feeling Fine.
Let's travel back to 2014.
This was the year that saw major changes occur in my life. This was the year that saw me walk away from my marriage of 19+ years, and from the man with whom I had lived for 21 years. Courtship, marriage, relocation, opening of our own river rafting outfit, home owners, three children, selling of the rafting outfit, selling of our home, cruising and living on the ocean for 11 years (yes, with our children!), returning to land and re-establishing the same river rafting outfit.
Sounds like a good life, doesn't it? It was. Exceptional, in fact. Large portions of my married life were fantastic, phenomenal, unique and irreplaceable.
Yet under all that adventure, freedom, independence, self-reliance and love, there was a fundamental undercurrent that overrode all those positive elements. An undercurrent that manifested itself into a whirling dervish of blame and rage. I thought long and hard about my decision to leave. I searched deep inside myself to determine just how much more of this undercurrent I could take. After great anguish and vast quantities of tears, I had to admit to myself, and to my children, that my time as "wife" was over; that it was time for me to say "enough" and "no more"; that it was time for me to stand up for myself.
I turned 49 years old during this process.
I was 49 years old when I stood up for myself and left my husband.
That was July 18, 2014.
I had a lot on my plate right from the onset. I had to find a place to live for me and my three teenagers. I had to find a job. I had to pack up my oldest and settle him into university life. I had to establish a daily life for my younger two children still at home. I had to tend to the marital financial matters that were left hanging in the wind. And, eventually, I would have to tend to the matter of divorce. Thankfully, my parents did not hesitate to help, and I at least had some money in the bank account in which to pay first and last month's rent and buy some food. If not for that generosity, I don't know how everything would have settled out.
There were, in addition to the stressful responsibilities of getting on with life, hours of great laughter, tears (good tears!), hugs and long, long telephone calls to girlfriends scattered across the country and across my personal life history. Girlfriends who I had not seen for 30 years. Girlfriends who answered the telephone and whooped with joy when they realized who was on the other end. Re-connecting with so many long lost girlfriends has been so incredibly precious and invaluable to me. To be able to turn to another single human being when you needed to talk, much less turn to a growing list of such humans, was finally making me feel as if I was truly loved in the world.
In addition to the variety of conversations throughout this time, I also needed to express myself in a more one-directional manner. I began to write.
Therapy would materialize in the future, but for now, the best therapy for me was going for a walk/hike to a fantastic viewpoint, and then sit with my laptop and simply let the words spill out onto the keyboard. Rather than just a journal for myself, I had this indescribable need to share my words and emotions and torment with anyone out there who would read it. I started a blog.
49 And Feeling Fine.
I will admit that after writing many, many, many posts for 12 months, I began to write less and less. Then, I entered a non-fiction writing contest and adapted the very first blog entry to be my submission to the contest. One rule of the contest was that you could not have any previously published works, or else your entry would be eliminated. Were blog entries deemed to be published works? I didn't want to take the chance, as I really wanted to try my hand at non-fiction writing. I then printed up each and every blog entry and then deleted each and every one of them! Just like that, they were gone.
I didn't get anywhere in the contest. The printed blog entries sat in an envelope for many months while I tried to figure out how to return to writing.
As 2016 was coming to a close, and I was dealing with yet another round of personal conflict, I decided to start the blog up again. I have been encouraged by many friends over the past couple of years to write a book; a memoir. I simply have not been able to wrap my head around the idea completely. Blogging seemed much more natural to me.
I discovered that I want to inspire other people, most notably women. I want to share the details of what I have overcome, and what I have felt, past and present. I want to be an example of a strong woman. I want others to see that even though I was subjected to incredibly tumultuous marital scenarios, I was able to hold my head high and walk away from it. I want to, hopefully, have my words make a difference in someone else's life. Through my words and my strength, perhaps someone out there may also find strength in herself to change her situation.
With the first blog entry, the words flowed and my fingers typed. There was a very natural progression with what was written. It wrapped up nicely with the words "I am 49 years old, and I feel fine". I liked that. And that's how the blog handle came into existence. Simple, actually!
I think, bit by bit, I will include some (and perhaps eventually, all) of those original writings. For now, I will include that first post as a post script. I hope you enjoy it.
There is so much for which I am excited to write. Whether it is specifically about my own experiences, or observations of the world around me, there is no end of inspiring topics to wax lyrical!
I look forward to this ongoing story.
Happy Friday, everyone!
POST SCRIPT:
Friday, August 8, 2014
49 And Feeling Fine
This is it. My first words on my own personal blog. After watching the movie “Julie and Julia”, I reveled in the idea of a blog. Writing down your thoughts, sharing your thoughts with people out there who you may never know. There was some sort of cathartic appeal to it all. Perhaps originally it had more to do with wanting to be a writer as my dream to write a children’s story has yet to be realized. But the real turning point occurred three weeks ago when my almost 20-year marriage essentially ended.
I took the brave step to ask my husband to seek the professional help of a psychiatrist. The conversation aside, the end result was refusal on his part. I then, subsequently, refused to join him as he turned to walk towards home. He did not join me, and I did not join him. And that was it.
I had, completely unknowingly, been living with mental illness for years. It was only a couple of months ago, while my husband lay sleeping beside me, that I did a Google search on “paranoia” and my entire life, in that one instance, took on a new meaning. It would take weeks of emotional and academic preparation, consulting doctors (both General Physicians and a Psychiatrist) and conversing with my children, before the actual day of confrontation. Many meltdowns occurred. Plenty of tears were shed. But in the end, as I watched my husband turn and walk away from me, I knew with complete certainty that I had done the right thing for me.
I have had no second thoughts, no regrets, no doubts. I do not fear what lies ahead. I am strong. I am fearless. I am going for my dream job. I have a new haircut, new glasses (progressive lenses which are quite fun to get used to!), a new apartment with my three amazing teenagers, and the peaceful happiness of knowing that my children and their father are talking again and wanting to always be in each others’ lives. The only relationship that has been irrevocably altered is that between he and I. And that’s the way it should be. For that, I am grateful.
I can breathe again. Enjoy the world the way that I want to enjoy the world. I am running again. I am in contact with so many friends who drifted off onto the sidelines over the years. My isolation is ending and I love it!
I am 49 years old, and I feel fine.
Thursday, 26 January 2017
STRONG AS STEEL
Thursday, January 26, 2017
STRONG AS STEEL
For the past several years, I have rather sarcastically described myself as "strong as steel". Most of the time it was uttered silently to myself. On rare occasions it was vocalized in a confident, yet playful, manner to my former husband. When uttered to him, it was typically in reference to how mentally strong I had become after sailing the North Pacific for 7 years with him and our three children.
The true foundation of my personal motto, however, can be traced to the very inner core of my being. There are reasons why I am strong as steel. There have been many, many incidents (too many, in fact) where I have had to make a choice: Succumb or Survive. To succumb to the forces that were trying to mould me was not an option. Survival, clearly the only path to choose, was held onto with steely determination and uncompromising and unyielding endurance.
As the Greenpeace banner hanging over the White House yesterday clearly stated: Resist. For me, I had to resist the overwhelming forces (both emotional and physical) that were being directed at me with such intensive purpose. I resisted these forces with every fibre and micro-fibre of my being. I was not going to give in.
The result, after years (yes, YEARS) of exposure to such a dichotomy of emotions (love and pure rage), was an inner strength forged by my sheer determination to endure and survive. I was not going to allow the onslaught of blame, anger, love and adoration to strip away everything that made me, me. I was not going to have myself erased or obliterated so that another individual could triumph. After years of someone else successfully taking away parts of me, I simply was not going to allow that person to take all of me.
That's where the steel comes in.
Yes, I was exposed to this behaviour for years. I have no answer as to why I took it, or even why I took it for so long. The perfect time to resist, however, did eventually arrive. On that particular day, there was absolutely no looking back. I boldly took the steps to extricate myself (and my children) from that toxic environment. I boldly took the steps necessary to re-claim my life. I boldly took the steps necessary to re-claim MYSELF.
That's where the steel comes in.
Sailing on the open ocean taught me to be strong in order to survive the uncontrollable forces of the ocean.
Elements of my marriage taught me to be strong in order simply survive.
And I survived.
And I walked away.
I found a place for my children and I to live. I found a job. I paid the rent and put food on the table. I handled the leftover financial matters from the marriage myself. I handled the divorce myself. I cried and cursed and lamented in the forest whenever I had to ('cuz the forest can take it!). I handled all of this MYSELF.
Strong as steel.
My divorce has been finalized for 11 months now.
My resignation was tendered two weeks ago to my (now, former) employer.
The first romance I have had since the end of my marriage wrapped up two days ago (on my initiative).
All this may appear to be examples of me shutting out the world.
Nothing could be further than the truth.
This is me being Strong As Steel.
This is me standing up for myself; standing up for my core values; standing up for what I truly believe; standing up against compromise and the fear of settling.
This is me setting an example for my children. Demonstrating to them that this is my life; a life filled with the elements that mean the most to me; a life that is truly the life I want it to be; and demonstrating to them that I am truly the person I want to be.
With my recent decision to end my romance, many consultative conversations were had with many girlfriends prior to the actual day of breakup. Back and forth, pros and cons, what do I really feel and what do I really want?
A common thread become apparent during these conversations. I was congratulated and admired for staying true to myself; for truly recognizing and knowing what I wanted in my life; for standing up for what I believed in and what I wanted; for being brave enough to walk away from seemingly secure scenarios and individuals; for being brave enough to step out on my own...again.
Strong As Steel.
This is now where I am: 51 Years old, Unemployed, Unattached, Single Mother of three young adults, Car loan, No financial assets to speak of, No financial security at all.
Despite that list, I am happy! I am free! I am once again in my life going after exactly what I want in my life.
And you can, too.
Do not ever doubt that.
Each one of us is capable of accomplishing anything and everything.
My intention is to help you realize that.
We all have been, and will be, faced with challenges that seem impossible to overcome. Different challenges will test us in different ways. Some challenges will be more intense than others. Yet, in every instance, if you believe in yourself, truly believe in yourself and all that you represent to yourself, then you will succeed. You will surmount those challenges and carry on at a new, and hopefully happier and more fulfilled, level of existence.
You are strong as steel, too.
I am going to be here, writing something every day. I may recount some part of my history. I may vent my own frustrations and fears. I may divulge what inspires me, and that may inspire you as well.
I am here.
I am hoping to connect with you, on any level.
If I can help you to be that much stronger on any given day, then that is my reason for being here.
I want to inspire, to include, to be a force that makes you stronger, more confident, more capable ... more YOU.
Strong as steel, baby.
Strong. As. Steel.
(Tomorrow I will explain the title of my blog, "49 and Feeling Fine"!)
Stay tuned.
STRONG AS STEEL
For the past several years, I have rather sarcastically described myself as "strong as steel". Most of the time it was uttered silently to myself. On rare occasions it was vocalized in a confident, yet playful, manner to my former husband. When uttered to him, it was typically in reference to how mentally strong I had become after sailing the North Pacific for 7 years with him and our three children.
The true foundation of my personal motto, however, can be traced to the very inner core of my being. There are reasons why I am strong as steel. There have been many, many incidents (too many, in fact) where I have had to make a choice: Succumb or Survive. To succumb to the forces that were trying to mould me was not an option. Survival, clearly the only path to choose, was held onto with steely determination and uncompromising and unyielding endurance.
As the Greenpeace banner hanging over the White House yesterday clearly stated: Resist. For me, I had to resist the overwhelming forces (both emotional and physical) that were being directed at me with such intensive purpose. I resisted these forces with every fibre and micro-fibre of my being. I was not going to give in.
The result, after years (yes, YEARS) of exposure to such a dichotomy of emotions (love and pure rage), was an inner strength forged by my sheer determination to endure and survive. I was not going to allow the onslaught of blame, anger, love and adoration to strip away everything that made me, me. I was not going to have myself erased or obliterated so that another individual could triumph. After years of someone else successfully taking away parts of me, I simply was not going to allow that person to take all of me.
That's where the steel comes in.
Yes, I was exposed to this behaviour for years. I have no answer as to why I took it, or even why I took it for so long. The perfect time to resist, however, did eventually arrive. On that particular day, there was absolutely no looking back. I boldly took the steps to extricate myself (and my children) from that toxic environment. I boldly took the steps necessary to re-claim my life. I boldly took the steps necessary to re-claim MYSELF.
That's where the steel comes in.
Sailing on the open ocean taught me to be strong in order to survive the uncontrollable forces of the ocean.
Elements of my marriage taught me to be strong in order simply survive.
And I survived.
And I walked away.
I found a place for my children and I to live. I found a job. I paid the rent and put food on the table. I handled the leftover financial matters from the marriage myself. I handled the divorce myself. I cried and cursed and lamented in the forest whenever I had to ('cuz the forest can take it!). I handled all of this MYSELF.
Strong as steel.
My divorce has been finalized for 11 months now.
My resignation was tendered two weeks ago to my (now, former) employer.
The first romance I have had since the end of my marriage wrapped up two days ago (on my initiative).
All this may appear to be examples of me shutting out the world.
Nothing could be further than the truth.
This is me being Strong As Steel.
This is me standing up for myself; standing up for my core values; standing up for what I truly believe; standing up against compromise and the fear of settling.
This is me setting an example for my children. Demonstrating to them that this is my life; a life filled with the elements that mean the most to me; a life that is truly the life I want it to be; and demonstrating to them that I am truly the person I want to be.
With my recent decision to end my romance, many consultative conversations were had with many girlfriends prior to the actual day of breakup. Back and forth, pros and cons, what do I really feel and what do I really want?
A common thread become apparent during these conversations. I was congratulated and admired for staying true to myself; for truly recognizing and knowing what I wanted in my life; for standing up for what I believed in and what I wanted; for being brave enough to walk away from seemingly secure scenarios and individuals; for being brave enough to step out on my own...again.
Strong As Steel.
This is now where I am: 51 Years old, Unemployed, Unattached, Single Mother of three young adults, Car loan, No financial assets to speak of, No financial security at all.
Despite that list, I am happy! I am free! I am once again in my life going after exactly what I want in my life.
And you can, too.
Do not ever doubt that.
Each one of us is capable of accomplishing anything and everything.
My intention is to help you realize that.
We all have been, and will be, faced with challenges that seem impossible to overcome. Different challenges will test us in different ways. Some challenges will be more intense than others. Yet, in every instance, if you believe in yourself, truly believe in yourself and all that you represent to yourself, then you will succeed. You will surmount those challenges and carry on at a new, and hopefully happier and more fulfilled, level of existence.
You are strong as steel, too.
I am going to be here, writing something every day. I may recount some part of my history. I may vent my own frustrations and fears. I may divulge what inspires me, and that may inspire you as well.
I am here.
I am hoping to connect with you, on any level.
If I can help you to be that much stronger on any given day, then that is my reason for being here.
I want to inspire, to include, to be a force that makes you stronger, more confident, more capable ... more YOU.
Strong as steel, baby.
Strong. As. Steel.
(Tomorrow I will explain the title of my blog, "49 and Feeling Fine"!)
Stay tuned.
Friday, 20 January 2017
Why It Is Important To Stand Up For Yourself
Friday, January 20, 2017
Why It Is Important To Stand Up For Yourself
I have now been unemployed for seven days. This morning, however, was the final wrap-up of my employment. The final collection of income and documentation.
To say that this past week has been completely exhilarating would be a bit of stretch. Yes, moments and portions of each day have been exhilarating: Snowshoeing in the snow-capped alpine with girlfriends, laughing and chatting with more girlfriends scattered throughout the country, not having to blow dry my hair every morning in preparation for the office, sipping a chai latte at one of my favourite neighbourhood cafes.
Other moments have been painful, stressful, anxiety- and anger-ridden. Moments that have left me in complete bafflement as to why, WHY, other humans act the way they do. Why some people will deliberately decide to act in a hostile manner and be an obstacle to everyone involved moving on with their lives. Why some people would prefer to be mean and nasty and make a negative impression on others, rather than being helpful, or at least non-obstructive, when change is taking place.
This past week I have had to stand my ground in order to collect my final pay cheque. I have had to look into Employment Standards. I have had to attempt to get my former employer to properly pay me my earned income.
At this moment, even though I have not received all the income I earned, I fully admit that I am willing to step away from this matter and be satisfied with what was deposited into my bank account today.
I have decided to cut my losses.
Why?
Because I no longer wish to subject myself to such low levels of antics. I do not wish to stoop to their level of behaviour. I do not wish to expend any more effort and energy into tending to this matter. I do not wish to be involved at any level with my former employer. I am quite happy to simply move on with my life.
I posted a saying on Facebook yesterday:
"Knowing when to walk away is Wisdom,
Being able to is Courage.
Walking away, with your head held high, is Dignity."
That about sums it up in a nutshell.
Even though my final paycheque was short-changed, I have chosen to walk away with my head held high.
And it feels incredibly empowering to do this.
That I have chosen to maintain my own standards of behaviour, and not succumb to the behaviour of those around me.
That I have upheld my own definition of Integrity.
That I put a halt to any further compromising of my conscience.
I took the high road and it was worth every moment of unease and anxiety I have experienced in the past four months.
Never be afraid to stand your ground.
Never be afraid to stand up for your own values.
Never be afraid to stop those who want you to compromise yourself for their benefit.
Never be afraid to be you.
Strong As Steel, baby.
Strong. As. Steel.
Why It Is Important To Stand Up For Yourself
I have now been unemployed for seven days. This morning, however, was the final wrap-up of my employment. The final collection of income and documentation.
To say that this past week has been completely exhilarating would be a bit of stretch. Yes, moments and portions of each day have been exhilarating: Snowshoeing in the snow-capped alpine with girlfriends, laughing and chatting with more girlfriends scattered throughout the country, not having to blow dry my hair every morning in preparation for the office, sipping a chai latte at one of my favourite neighbourhood cafes.
Other moments have been painful, stressful, anxiety- and anger-ridden. Moments that have left me in complete bafflement as to why, WHY, other humans act the way they do. Why some people will deliberately decide to act in a hostile manner and be an obstacle to everyone involved moving on with their lives. Why some people would prefer to be mean and nasty and make a negative impression on others, rather than being helpful, or at least non-obstructive, when change is taking place.
This past week I have had to stand my ground in order to collect my final pay cheque. I have had to look into Employment Standards. I have had to attempt to get my former employer to properly pay me my earned income.
At this moment, even though I have not received all the income I earned, I fully admit that I am willing to step away from this matter and be satisfied with what was deposited into my bank account today.
I have decided to cut my losses.
Why?
Because I no longer wish to subject myself to such low levels of antics. I do not wish to stoop to their level of behaviour. I do not wish to expend any more effort and energy into tending to this matter. I do not wish to be involved at any level with my former employer. I am quite happy to simply move on with my life.
I posted a saying on Facebook yesterday:
"Knowing when to walk away is Wisdom,
Being able to is Courage.
Walking away, with your head held high, is Dignity."
That about sums it up in a nutshell.
Even though my final paycheque was short-changed, I have chosen to walk away with my head held high.
And it feels incredibly empowering to do this.
That I have chosen to maintain my own standards of behaviour, and not succumb to the behaviour of those around me.
That I have upheld my own definition of Integrity.
That I put a halt to any further compromising of my conscience.
I took the high road and it was worth every moment of unease and anxiety I have experienced in the past four months.
Never be afraid to stand your ground.
Never be afraid to stand up for your own values.
Never be afraid to stop those who want you to compromise yourself for their benefit.
Never be afraid to be you.
Strong As Steel, baby.
Strong. As. Steel.
Stepping Out ... Again
STEPPING OUT … AGAIN
Friday, January 13, 2017
It is Friday the 13th, yet today is rolling along as if it is the luckiest day of the year!
Today, my life is pushing out in an entirely new direction. I have, for the second time in three years, taken my life completely under control and stepped into a bright and shiny new world.
Today, I left my job.
A job that I performed and fulfilled quite well (thank you, very much), and which served me well financially during a time when I needed to support my family as a single mother.
It was a job, however, that left me completely unfulfilled. A job that contributed nothing to my ideals of what it takes to be a ‘good human’. It was a job that was sucking the soul out of me.
I walked away, once before, from a similar situation.
Today, I walk away, again, from another such a situation.
Twice in three years, I stood up for myself and said “No”.
Twice in three years, I stood up for myself and said “Enough”.
Twice in three years, I walked away from a scenario, and people, which was only taking from me, and giving nothing in return.
Twice in three years, I walked towards a new life; a life in which I complete with laughter, and happiness, and positive vibes, and lots and lots of smiles.
Today, once again, I have reached the light at the end of that proverbial tunnel.
And I feel incredibly FANTASTIC!
I would like to tell you of how I came to this place in my life (or, places, as the case may be).
I would like to tell you of the hell, and the torment, and the painstaking endurance I experienced to get to this place today.
I would like to tell you of the incredibly phenomenal life experiences and memories that also brought me to this place today.
So much to divulge. So much to share. So much, yet hopefully just enough that might possibly help and inspire someone else to take control of her life, too.
On we go. Together.
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